So, this Big Brother thing which we spoke about the other day: What’s up with that? Is it still there or did guys get bored and go home. Well, the answer to that question is yes.
As in yes, it’s still there. The horde of housemates, numbering around 50 or a bit less (You will find this post a bit sketchy on actual details) have been inside the building and our TVs for close to a week now trying to be entertaining. We have collected some observations of the bastards and their dumbass activities.
Big Brother Amplified is brought to you by DSTV Africa and is sponsored by Coca Cola. Use a Condom.
Alex And Millicent kissed banange. Swipe-clap.
During an boozy game of Never Never Dare the Truth or whatever that game is called (I have never been a teenage girl. I don’t know these things) Millicent from Nairobi and Alex who, unless I am mistaken, is from a child-soldier rehabilitation centre in Sierra Leone, performed a french kiss whichlasted around 4 hours (I am not sure. I dozed off and when I woke up they were done.) This excited viewers of the show. I don’t know why. Millicent is still not pregnant, so it was a waste of time.
Karen, who, according to my notes is a 27-year-old policewoman back in her native Jos, called a house meeting to apologise for calling Confidence a bitch and then asking her to fuck off. She said she was sorry “if I offended anybody and I love you guys.” So from now on, when she wants the bitch to fuck off she will use code.
Now, you want to know about the tooth-stripping right? We will come to that. First: Salmon Nalukenge (currently using the stage name Sharon O), has been very quiet. Some have said that she seems shy. She doesn’t talk much. She’s so silent.
I don’t see how that becomes a problem. We heard her accent on Sunday. Let her shut the hell up.
Now, the tooth-stripping.
The housemates were given a task. Because they cannot be made to do any constructive work, Big Brother makes them do “tasks”. “Tasks” means dumb things like biting each other’s clothes off.
So he announced that everyone was going to be stripped naked. At this point the West Africans who came in through the SA airport thought, “Again?”
The catch was that another housemate had to remove his or her friend’s vallo using his/her teeth. I think the use of his/her has confused things. But you get it.
The details are unimportant. The whole thing was disappointing because we did not get to see a slowmotion closeup of Salmon Nalukenge’s jangu-jangus. If you want to see those, I guess, you have to just wait until Obsessions eventually become so broke that they give up and say, the hell with it, let’s just become strippers. Then the show will be on four nights a week at Jjajja Mike’s Kimansulo and Karaoke, Najjanankumbi. 5k (Though if it happens under the regime of incoming president Besigye, that will be 45K).
Finally, There was a cockroach contest. For real. There was a jar of cockroaches right? And in this jar there were cards, right? And the housemates had to pick the cards.
Confidence from Accra was the winner of this competition.
Never ever ever go to Accra. You can’t go to places where people win at cockroach games.
You are probably wondering why we have not mentioned Was, aka Ernest Wasake, aka Wiz Khalifa. Well, it’s because we don’t need to make fun of him. He makes fun of himself. He spoke about the Ugandans he is purportedly representing recently, saying his Ugandan peers are “Shallow and envious” of him, and remarking that he has worked with Gaetano and Hannington, and that they are both “nothing.”
Oooow…kay…. Um. Moving on…