By day, Kagoda was an ordinary man doing the dusty Kampala hustle. Unknown to everyone, by night, he transformed into the protector of the meek, the seeker of justice, the carrier-home-of-drunk-people-by-the-roadside. Yes, if you ever wonder how you got home after a late night partying at Suzanna night club, Kagoda flew you there.
His was a well-kept secret. That is until last Friday’s stormy events during which he had to reveal his true combat colors. As fate would have it, those photographers from Monitor caught him in the badass stance act. Our photographer was on holiday in Columbia.
As it turns out, Kagoda is a friend to a mechanic to a friend to a friend of one of us so we got to get the juicy news bites other news sources didn’t get. News has it that those of America tracked Kagoda down and, with the help of a yet-to-be-named translator, sent him on a secret mission to Pakistan. Armed with just a photograph of the target, Captain Kagoda went those ends of Pakistan. He located the premises with ease and proceeded to approach with caution.
“ikbfiebfiuebfiebbsaklcnsikcjdn” Google Translate: Who goes there!! Said two men stationed at the gate.
(boof pow boof boof)
Kagoda then made his way to a slightly open door. Using his gum-booted foot, he prodded the door very lightly and looked in. Inside sat three men watching “Woman of my life.” It seemed to be in Arabic.
Guy one: hahahahaha. kncjeiucbeirubeiuyber
Guy two: (Pointing at the TV and rolling on the floor) hehehe..kdcbieubcuebuacvfcd
Guy three: (seemingly the leader of the three turns to the guy rolling on the floor) Dude, pass me the popcorn.
Guy three is the one in the picture handed to Kagoda. He is the target.
Dude rolling on the floor: kjbfiebrfebhfjbvjdjcdfjvc (shows reluctance to handover popcorn, seems to say that he is trying to gain weight)
The target: I do not give a rat’s knknbvgvhsvkhsgvhcsfchcxsg the popcorn.
Dude no longer rolling on the floor: (lets a tear escape, stamps his foot, covers his eyes) No fair!
The target: thbablifbaxyvcoucrcvujscbvscujjc.
Kagoda has had enough. He steps into the room.
Kagoda: Hi there disheveled bearded gentlemen. We can do this the hard way. Or we can do this the not hard way. As Busta would say, what’s it gonna be?
Guy one moves with amazing speed. He sends a flying kick Kagoda’s way. The kick connects with Kagoda’s jaw. And guy one falls down, wincing in pain.
“bkdhbibbcjbcjrvgvchgvsjvd” Google Translate: My knee, I twisted my knee!
Kagoda: My jaw has worked its way through hard corn and cassava back home. So we doing this the hard way mais non? (Raises one gumboot in the air, beckons guy two to attack)
(pow pow pow boof boof ouch pow boooooffff ouuuuccchh)
The target screams “You will never take me alive” and grabs the TV set, hoping to keep watching “Woman of my life” as he flees. He carries the set 5 steps and notices it is no longer showing anything.
“Damn TV. I still had warranty on it.” He drops it and continues his slow escape. He is of an advanced age and cannot run so fast.
As he run, he tripped and fell. And on turning around, Kagoda was there watching.
ED: We didn’t get the rest of the story. But stay with us, we will update as things unfold