That’s Kampala City Police Department, baby.
The scene: A dark, dingy, cobwebbed, dust-covered, littered, little room with an old decaying desk in the centre of it, piled high with old, decaying paper, an old, decaying police OC behind it, speaking on, believe it or not, one of these phones.
Yes. It is a Kampala City police station.
OC: Everybody come in. I have to dispatch you to arrest somebody.
Officers tumble through the door. It’s not easy. They are clumsy and uncoordinated and most of them have a habit of reaching out and punching things at random. Eventually, all of them, almost a dozen, are settled in the three square feet in front of the desk.
OC: He’s at it again.
OC: You know what that means.
Affande 1: I would like to tender my application for leave.
Affande 2: I would like to tender my resignation.
Affande 3: Why don’t you just deploy us to arrest crocodiles in the river? It’s less dangerous.
OC: But why are you guys such cowards? The man said that his protests are non-violent.
Affande 1: Yeah. But last time we went to arrest him, his non-violent kicks from his non-violent boots nearly non-violently took my head off.
OC: But you were wearing a helmet.
Affande 1: And yet I’m still scared of him. That should tell you how deadly the man’s non-violence is.
OC: I don’t understand you guys. You go out every single day and brutally arrest small-time criminal suspects with no compunction. You beat up petty thieves, you slap drunkards and hookers around… during these riots you have moved with impunity all over town just beating people up with free. But I send you to collect one man…
Affande 1: I swear, boss. I was wearing a helmet and he still managed to kick me until I felt it. I think he is a mutant. He is of X-Men.
OC: GO OUT THERE AND ARREST THE MOFO! That’s an order!
The dozen cops tumble out again, grumbling. I should have mentioned that they were wearing full riot gear the whole time. They sleep in it.
Same scene. Hours later.
OC on the phone: Where are you guys? Why aren’t you bringing in the man?
Affande 3: We are bringing him.
OC: I don’t see him approaching my holding cells, officer.
Affande 3: It’s a process, boss.
Affandes 4, 5, 6 can be heard in the distance cavalierly pushing regular civilians around. Affandes 7,8 and 9 can be heard making mealy-mouthed threats at the suspect: Gwe! Stop inciting people! We are going to arrest you! I swear. If you don’t stop. I’m serious! Please. Please. Naawe.
Suspect: Your mommas! Me I’m in this to win this. If you come closer you will see. Ask Affande 1. I was lying down with one hand literally tied and I still almost dislocated his stupid neck!
OC: Are you guys begging the suspect to come into custody?
Affande 3: Boss…
Affande 3: It’s a process, boss.
OC: You guys have been sweet-talking the man for three hours. I sent you to arrest him three hours ago and you still haven’t brought him in. What is happening to Uganda Police these days?
Affande 3: It’s not that simple, boss. He has locked himself inside his car. He’s refusing to come out. We can’t even reach him.
OC: Morons. If a chicken thief or a defiler or some other petty criminal had locked himself in a car, would we be having this discussion? You are Uganda Police, dammit. Arrest the Mofo!
Affande 3: Boss, we can’t just go and smash the windows and drag him out, can we? I mean, that’s kind of, well, a bit much…
OC: I can’t believe this. You guys barged into innocent people’s houses and dragged them out of their beds during the other riots and you hi-fived each other after you did it. But NOW you are developing a conscience?
Affande 3: That was different. Those guys didn’t fight back…
OC: Officer, if you are not going to do it, I’m going to send in a specialist. I’m sending in Gilbert.
Affande 3: You guys, they are sending in the big guns. Gilbert is on his way. We are off the hook.
We hear in the background the suspect asking: Who is Gilbert?
Affande 3: Oh, you will be acquainted soon enough.
A short while later, the phone rings again.
Affande 3: Boss, Gilbert and his boys are here. Man, these guys are ruthless. He knows no god! He even came with a hammer.
OC: Yeah. We shall see who is the X-Man now.
Affande 3: The guy… I can’t believe this. Gilbert’s boy just walked up to the car. With the hammer. He and is smashing the windows open. He is fearless. I swear. And he isn’t even wearing anti-riot gear.
OC: That’s cos Gilbert is trained in…
Affander 3: Ooooh shiiiit!!!!!
OC: What’s going on?
Affander 3: Boss, um… the suspect! The suspect has grabbed the hammer from Gilbert!
OC: What? Noooo!
Overheard in the background, the suspect: I will HAMMER YOU! Kumany***! I will hammer you!