It was a football match. I don’t do Football, but my cousin does…my sister too. As it turns out, everyone else does football. Everyone, that is, except me and the Local TV stations. So to play catch up, my relatives opted to listen to the radio. I don’t know how it works, but if I were to hazard a guess, the Presenter sits there, beer in one hand, groundnuts in the other and relays what’s happening on the screen in front of him.
From time to time he will also relay what he wishes were happening. It goes a little something like this..
Welcome to this match, we are very happy you are here. You are the reason we live. You and the wonderful sponsor that has brought you this Barclays Premier League Match: Sula’s Rolex Emporium! With Sula’s Rolex Emporium you can’t go wrong. We have Rolex’s in all sizes; Big, Small and Medium. We have the Titanic and The Millenium Remix Supercharge Dual band Crossfade Xbox Rolex. Come Over and see …oh shoot, we missed the part where the players came onto the pitch! ^#*% !! Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because you are an avid fan so you know who is playing. Henry is there, look at him looking smug. He makes so much money in a week.
It is so much he should visit Sula’s Rolex Emporium; home to The Walk to Work Rolex and Ridiculously Pricey Swearing In Rolex ; Even if you don’t want, they will still be there!
Okay, the referee is there now. He is wearing clothes for referees. In fact you can get such clothes from Mama Milly’s Hollywood Boutique and Restaurant. Heh. It is located near Sula’s..eh, they have started playing, Kasolo Kambwe has the ball, he moves with it, I have never seen a ball move so fast. My God, it’s like I am watching this match on fast forward, I sweya! Have you ever seen, oh no, I forgot, you are listening in, but take my word for it. This guy has mad skills, eh eh, wait, sorry, I WAS watching it on Fast Forward.
The all New PVR Decoder from Multichoice allows you to pause, rewind and fast forward the stuff on TV! Yes, my dear listener, You can Pause a match halfway and head over to Sula’s Rolex Emporium; Producers of the famous Member of Parliament Rolex: It just sits there and does nothing!
Okay I have unpaused, it looks like it will be a tight match *sip* *crunch crunch*. They are closing in on him. He is running like madman. S***! He is a mad man, he actually ran away from them and left the ball behind. Stupid David Beckham! You are not even worth Half a rolex.that has mayonnaise and fries in it! (at this point I feel compelled to state that the Rolex in question is not a watch, and the only hands it has are yours,wrapped around its dough frame. Its a chapati dwelling omlette with back up! This thing takes prisoners…to Kasangati!).
There, he got the ball back, it was his tragedy-er,oops, his strategy.Yeah, strategy, same thing. Now he is running to the goal, he dribbles, look at him dribble, he wipes his mouth, he is about to kick the ball, he is kicking the ball, the ball Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooes! It bounces off the post and hits a fan, but not after tolerating for a bit… I mean roletating… manya rotating.
That was a furious kick! It was also fast!
The fan flips a bird, he mouths something unpleasant! he turns to his friends and they pat him on the back for dissing David Beckham, star of such catastrophies as; The World Cup Penalty Shot of that year and the Spice Girl known as Victoria.
The ref runs over to the ball and gives it a Yellow Card. The stadium boos him for infringing on the ball’s right to Run-to-work” and he gives them a Red Card; it says Donate Blood and fight Racism in Soccer. They fall silent.
Deuces!… sorry, I mean douches!
The match has resumed. Some other player gets the ball. Don’t ask me who it is, I don’t know. You should have seen it on TV if you wanted details!
The ball moves, it runs, it jumps! Its being kicked around like, like some sort of round object. SOMEONE SAVE THAT POOR THING!
You are still tuned in to the Premier League on radio! SWEET! But not as Sweet as the Rolex at Sula’s Rolex Emporium in Wandegeya. Home to the Infamous Straka Rolex; This thing is Bigger than you and me!
The Ball has been taken away and, what’s this, Medi has just told me Prison Break 5; Break Hardest is on another channel, hang on…. *sound of static*…aha, Medi you idiot ! You tricked me! Lolest!
Anyway, don’t worry my listeners, I had paused my PVR Decoder from Multichoice…Giving you many choices so you don’t have to walk!
The ball has been taken away by a player that doesn’t look a day over 12, bah! What do I know, I live in a country where 24 year olds register to play in the Kampala Kids’ League..oh oh, gOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLL! This kid is good, he may not even be a kid, but a guy suffering from some age disorder that makes Old People look younger than they are…like Tom Welling. But if you really want to look young the easy way, visit Sula’s Rolex Emporium; Makers of the incredible NTV Rolex: Starts off quite well then just makes you lose gas…sorry. I mean hope…it makes you lose hope.
Its half time, but this match hasn’t been exciting, so I doubt I will comment on the next half. When we return, I will tell you what I think of Ken Lukyamuzi’s nkyankya.