Monday Massacres: Kandahar Prison Break 2011

By • Apr 25th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

Hundreds of Prisoners have Escaped from an Afghan Prison through a 320-meter escape tunnel. Very tragic stuff. Very scary stuff. To think that the bearded fiends are out there walking around makes one’s skin crawl. But Taufiq, our faithful source of information, did some heavy questioning and brought us the low-down on how these nefarious plans went unchecked.

Everything came down to Scofique, known to his close friends as Siraj. His buddy, Rahman, owed him dime. And he had not paid him his dime because every time they would talk about it, Rahman would say, ”You man, you wait. I’m in prison for ten more years. Hold on a bit.”

So Siraj waited and waited. And waited. And waited.Three days later, he was tired of waiting. So he got an egg and ate it to pass time. He called Rahman but the guy told him that he still had 9 years and 350 days. Some days had been slashed off for good behavior. Siraj did mental math of how many eggs he’d have to eat to wait all those days. He picked up his glass of water and hurled it at the wall and screamed “Noooooooo!”

Then he set his plan to get his money from Rahman into action.

He disguised himself.

Siraj
Siraj: Look at me now. I’m going to make paper

 

And went to a barber’s shop with a map in hand. He then, with the help of persuasion and a knife, kindly asked the barber to etch the map into his beard.

Siraj, all mapped out
Siraj, all mapped out

That done, he walked into the market, picked up a tomato from the tomato and onion seller, bit into the tomato, said, “You call this a tomato? Msscchheeww”, threw it down and run off. He was arrested and sent to Rahman’s prison.

“Siraj, so glad to see you. But my friend, I do not have the money here with me. It is in the bank outside.” Rahman said on seeing Siraj.

“No problem. I’ll take you and you give it to me. The money that is. And it had better be there.” Siraj replied

He then went to the mirror and started checking himself out. Everyday he’d check himself out. After some time, he had the whole map in his head. He just needed a key. He talked to Fatuma, the nurse at the prison clinic but she was feeling hard on him. She refused. So he told her he had had constipation all his life and he needed the door open to help him think happy thoughts to take his mind off the strife going on inside him. She allowed and gave him the key.

 

Using a spade, a knife and a fork, Siraj ingeniously dug the whole 320-meter escape tunnel. And as he and Rahman run to safety through it, the other prisoners saw Rahman’s head-gear disappear into a wall and became suspicious. They ripped away the Whoopi Goldberg poster and saw the hole.

The rest is not history. It is current news on Al Jazeera. And CNN.

 

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