A Letter To Jesus

By • Apr 6th, 2011 • Category: WTH

Jesus,

What’s up. Me am these ends being down to earth just. I know you’re mob busy preparing seats for holy people like me so this won’t take long.

Actually, that up there is kinda the reason I’m writing. When you said you were coming back for us soon, how soon did you mean. I know we’re not supposed to question your works which is why I removed that little question mark at the end of the question. Just consider it a statement which needs an answer. Kindly. Kindly needs an answer.

I remember watching that film of your passion by Mel Gibson that had bad people whooping you in public with children looking. Jesus Christ! How dare they, no question mark. Even my little 2-year old nephew saw you. But don’t worry. He only saw up to that part when they were starting to remove your clothes then we sent him to go and read Red Pepper or do whatever else kids do.

At the end of that film, you said you would come back for your people. I still have the DVD if you want to see. I watched it about two years ago and since then I’ve been waiting for you to pick me. You said you had died for us and much as I can’t exactly confirm the sanity in my primary school English teacher’s claim, he told me that the word “us” includes me and the rest of the unworthy people on earth.

Now, I admit I’m still not sure why you died for me too, considering I didn’t demand you any money or anything but you are the one who said you had a seat for me up there. And I feel like visiting outer space but I don’t have enough money to pay for a space taxi.

By “my people”, did you mean those of Mel Gibson or those other twelve dudes. No question mark. By the way, that other guy who snitched on you, isn’t he like the hero of the movie, no question mark. Because if he hadn’t snitched, you wouldn’t have died and your Father wouldn’t have been too happy about it.

Someone told me you had left instructions in the Bible on how to come there in outer space but most of what I read was just selfish stories about other people’s lives. I don’t want to know how Moses used his farming stick to beat non-poisonous snakes to death and I don’t want to know what Jonah was doing inside a whale’s stomach at that time of day like he didn’t have his own stomach.

I just want to know how to apply for a visa to outer space. Your galactic space is the only one with aliens who like coming to earth without suddenly growing the urge to destroy it for no apparent reason. I especially liked Alien Gabriel.

I wrote my phone number on a one thousand shillings note which I put in the church basket. Please text me your number and I beep you.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • http://twitter.com/mumakeith Mark Keith Muhumuza

    Hihi….. He will text you back and say “BRB” again…

  • Savvy Kenya

    LOL

  • Anonymous

    yo Enrique, word on, people have to learn satire, and God has a sense of humor if he exists anyway. Loved the article, my first on here, and I will read more from now on.