Monday Massacres: How to get the best out of your Salo(o)n

By • Apr 4th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

This is for you who didn’t watch any Cowboy movies over the weekend. Your hunger for these movies will be sastified (sic) here. It is also for you who went to the saloon over the weekend. Even you who went to the salon. Grab some popcorn. Bernard, you could grab some Simsim balls instead.

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It is a quiet desert town and horses can be heard hee-hawing faintly in the background. The town is deserted, save for a crazy old man who runs out into the deserted streets every 20 minutes to do a semi-nude rain dance.

The cast: Cowboy 1 and Cowboy 1’s girlfriend, Cowboy 2 and Cowboy 2’s girlfriend, Onlookers

Cowboy one kicks the saloon door open with his cowboy boot.  Let’s re-work that phrase and have 2 stories in one.

Story one: Cowboy one kicks the saloon door open with his cowboy boot.

Saloon

SALOON: Where brains cells are killed with Beer

A silence hits the noisy saloon for a few minutes as everyone looks up to witness the entrance of the tight-jean-clad lad wearing a cowboy hat. And a girl following a few steps behind him, absorbed in a game of Tetris. He makes his way to the bar. The onlookers look at him, doing what they are paid to do. It takes him 5 minutes to cover the 5 meters between the door and the bar stool. He is a slow guy.

He climbs into the seat, thumps the woodwork and points at his throat. The conductor immediately knows what he wants. Conductor because this movie is set in a time when barmen preferred being called conductors, long before the profession was overrun by Bebe’s siblings.

The conductor quickly brings over a refreshment. A beer if you may. Cowboy takes one sip. He scowls.

(Spitting, hurling glass at the dead deer on the wall)

“Is this what you call a refreshment??!!!!”

(Kapyaaaaa-glass hits wall and breaks, spilling now former contents everywhere)

“Dat.was.nnnnnooooottttiiii.coooool,” says a stuttering cowboy who’s been watching all this stuff, unknown to us.

“Do you have a problem with me or my Tetris-playing girl?” asks mean cowboy

“iiiii.have.aaaaaa.aaaaaa.aaaa.problem with you, bya**,” spurts stuttering cowboy

They lock eyes. The onlookers again do what they are paid to do. The two cowboys instinctively know that this can only be settled in a draw. They both climb out of their seats and head for the door. They kick the door open. The street is empty, save for a crazy old man who runs out into the deserted streets every 20 minutes to do a semi-nude rain dance. But that was already pointed out.

(Keko playing in the background)

They start to count the steps before doing the turn and blowing brains out…

1,2,3,4….

Story Two: Cowboy one kicks the salon door open with his cowboy boot.

 

Salon

SALON: Where brain cells are warmed up for the week with machines

Banange look at that man! (Gossip gossip gossip)

Did you see what happened on our favourite Mexican Soap over the weekend? The beggar on the streets proposed to Maria Clara. OMG OMG OMG…and she said…

Eh cowboy, how can we helep you?

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • Savvy Kenya

    You forgot the soundtracks ..
    Every good scene has those when the cowboy kicks open the door and everyone goes silent