Monday Massacres: Hot Stuff

By • Mar 28th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

Uganda does not have four seasons. Summer, autumn and all the others; the closest we come to them is by spelling them right in high school exams. This handicaps us writers. For example, we cannot write songs called “Four Seasons Of Loneliness” and give them to four black guys to clear their voices and belt out, while hugging each other of course. Shish, some things should be obvious. What are four guys closing their eyes and producing synced melody doing if they aren’t hugging? Think Backstreet boys. think Nsync.


Backstreet Boyz hugging
YAY!!How boy groups get inspiration

Here in Kla, we have weather spurts. We have “Can I work in just my vest this afternoon? It’s bloody hot,” and  “I’ll have chips plain and ice-cream for lunch. It is crazy hot”. We also have “Mum! The goats are dry-humping. It’s bloody hot”.  So about 2 weeks ago, when the powers that be announced an impending drought, one that would last till May or thereabouts, all hell broke loose. Horror. Shock-waves rocked the city. Mayhem. Anarchy. Paralysis. People were ducking into potholes to catch a break from the angry sun. Shops were set-up in said potholes and brisk business was going on. Still 5 centuries from having a functional subway system, the thriving business in the potholes had leapfrogged Uganda a few decades into the future. You could walk into any pothole near you and be sure to run into a buddy or two.

“You man, you also come here?”

“Eh man, things were tight. Can you imagine my shoes melted?”

“That’s nothing. Have you seen how my hair-line is starting to recede?”

“Hold-up Eliphaz, your hair-line was receding even last year.”

“Eh was it? But still…(starting to jog after an ice-cream truck)”


Not to be outdone by the hot weather, Bebe Cool started taking lessons on how to get his dreadlocks to perspire. He also started conducting classes, “The cool secrets”, on how to stay cool in the very hot weather. The taxi conductors who attended it gave ULK feedback:

Conductor: Of course I cannot tell you everything since you didn’t pay for the course. But it was a very touching session. He was all dressed in pink, coz, of course it is a cool color. She (sic) showed us how to walk in hot weather. Basically it involves parting your legs slightly…not too much lest you look like elephantiasis struck your gonads, and not too little otherwise you won’t be able to walk ok? Just slightly apart…like this. Bebe showed all this to us. He is a guru…


Cooling off

Cooling off: The Guru caught here giving how-to-breathe-to-beat-the-heat lessons

So there we were all-too-geared for the drought. Then the rains hit. And hit hard. And they are still here. stay tuned for  Part 2 of this 2-part series aptly called “It’s raining, mehn!”.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people