Monday Massacres: Girly trouble

By • Mar 15th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

It is NOT Monday. But in our minds, it feels like Monday. And we all know Monday is when we hug the boss. C’mon, do it. Onwards.


Uthman Tawfiq Latif and Madiba Thulani Nkosiphendule are awesome ninjas you’ve never heard of because you live in Kampala. If you lived outside countries, you’d know these awesome flick-and-a-kick beings. Ask any of your friends from outside countries. They’ll stop and say “ooooohhoooo”(nodding head) “..Of course I know Uthman Tawfiq Latif and Madiba Thulani Nkosiphendule. They are badass…”

Now as it turns out, as much a films deny it, ninjas have feelings too. They may wear black and make cat-like calls before they kick your behind, or your front, or both simultaneously, but ninjas have feelings.

And it is a rainy day in Uganda when two ninjas fall for the same girl. Uthman Tawfiq Latif and Madiba Thulani Nkosiphendule fell for the same girl. Naturally, they had to sweat it out to win her. So they called her, sat her down on a stool (a comfortable one) and proceeded to aid her decision-making.

Madiba Thulani Nkosiphendule: Hot chick, let me be honest with you. I have a big….sword. My sword is bigger than his. (Elaborately drawing the sword out while some Michael Bolton plays in the background)

Uthman Tawfiq Latif: Hot chick, he may have a bigger sword, but he cannot moonwalk. Or hit high notes like this….(sings ‘One sweet day’, hitting the high notes)

Madiba Thulani Nkosiphendule: (ED: But it’s getting harder to type these names so we’ll use initials, MTN). Hot chick, look at me lift three homeless kids with one hand. Oh wait, I can do more. 4 homeless kids. Hey you, come here. Look hot chick, 7 homeless kids.

Uthman Tawfiq Latif: (ED: This one again is also hard to type. So using initials, this becomes UTL) Look at me run backwards without looking behind. Look hot chick. Look.


On potty break. No sh*t

MTN: But that’s nothing hot chick. I can hit a beetle 5 meters away with my spittle. Look, let me hit that.

UTL: That’s nothing woman. Watch this, I can rollover when you tell me to rollover. Tell me to rollover. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me hot chick. (Rolls over nonetheless)

MTN: Look hot chick, I can chase and catch a stray dog. Look, here I go. I’m going to chase one, catch it, take a pic with it and bring it to you. The pic, not the dog.

UTL: That’s nothing, I can chase and catch….(thinking…thinking)…a goat. I can. No jokes. I’ll also snap it and send it to you. The pic, not the goat. And I’ll caption it, “Got the Goat”, or “Goat, the got”. Whichever you want hot chick, whichever you want.

(Both run off)

ED: By press time, the ninjas  hadn’t yet sent hot chick the pics. So she’s yet to come to a decision.

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  • Andrew