TOP TEN. Doing a Charlie Sheen.

By • Mar 9th, 2011 • Category: Columns, Top 10

We have all heard about the crazy Charlie Sheen formerly of two and a half men, currently of two goddesses and not even half a brain. His antics made several kinds of history over the past weeks.

Charlie Sheen minus brain.

So there I was and a thought occurred to me (as they are in the habit of doing) “what would it take for one to replicate the Charlie Sheen experience here in the nation’s capital? Presenting, the top ten ways to become Uganda’s Charlie Sheen;
1- First of all, you will need strippers and drugs. Enough drugs to kill two and a half men. (he he, snigger snigger, shut the fluckk up). Let’s do the math, chap chap.
• Big breasted mamas……………. 3500 @ from that ka joint in wandegeya
• Hard liquor……………….5000 for a ten litre jerry can (if you know what you are doing)
• A bucket of miira…………………2500
• Chewing gum……………………..2500 tops.
See, not that hard, less than twenty k and you are on the way already.

2- However the Charlie Sheen phenomenon involves more than just drug cocktails and orgies with strippers. It also requires you to go stark raving mad. FYI, it doesn’t help if you are rich, (that’s why it took Charlie Sheen so long) madness is a poor mans pastime. … Oh yeah, If you didn’t know, insanity is classist.
3- Do something to get the notice of the police. The options are uncountable, but I for one would enjoy standing outside Buganda Road Court shouting imaginative abuse in the style of one of those cooking oil soaked dudes from Spartacus.

Housewife suffers pang when mind ponders finest Mukwano oil squandered in frivolous cause.

4- Doing a Charlie Sheen also requires a twitter account. I do not tweet. But I am told it is quite the addictive past time, worse than Facebook did you say? Bah! … Facebook is the Godzilla of the internet.

we snort bird like charlie sheen

5- Drink a tiger’s blood.

an ordinary tiger will do just as well though

6- Winning. Be addicted to winning, even when there is no noticeable observable recordable thing you are winning at, just win! Be a winner. Like Museveni and Obama and other winning types.

 

 

7- Get into a public brawl with your ex. Charlie took his to court. Take yours to the people’s court, take her to the streets. And I am even the Streetsider. You’ll end up on urban legend.
8- Give yourself a nickname. One with biblical and/or Dungeons and Dragons overtones. Warlock, Malibu Messiah… wave it around, let it marinate.
9- Hold interviews. Talk about how phones are the devil and were invented by trolls; how you want to marry a tree so that you can produce troll murdering children who will work as assassins for the pope. Invent words like gnalrly gnarlingtons.
10- Talk about winning a lot. did i mention this, because it needs to be mentioned some more.

congratulations. you are offically a sheener.

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