You know what? They should make this show like Lord of The Rings. As in The Guardian Of Secrets emerges from his lair and bellows, “Lo! Who Amongst Thee Wants to Be A Millionaire?”
And then the hobbits start scrambling for a chance. I mean, they might as well, because it’s the sixth show and we still haven’t got a contestant whose head goes above Kasujja’s belly button. It’s getting unnerving.
Our first contestant was Joseph, a civil engineer who is back in school reading IT. He says he is in a relationship with the most beautiful girl in the world.
Whoa. Sanaa Lathan’s dude is in the hot seat.
The baby class round breezed past and we found new reason to beef with the questions besides the old steak about them being too easy. Why, come to think of it, doesn’t the N in NSSF stand for Nuisance? And the bird in the centre of the Ugandan flag: it really ought to be a chicken. A nice roasted chicken.
When we level up, AK Footy Seven asked: Which of the names of these German cars means “people’s car”? The choices were Porsche, Mercedes Benz, Volkswagen and another one which, of course, doesn’t mean “people’s car”.
Joseph does not know the answer. I don’t know what Sanaa sees in him. But he had to draw a lifeline. In this case this meant calling up his uncle Muhammad.
You guys, family is supposed to be there for you in times of trouble. Family is supposed to have your back. Family is supposed to help you when you are in need. Family is not supposed to screw you out of money like this Muhammad did when he said with all the confidence his phone could carry that the answer was Mercedes Benz.
Well, there is a hooker I have heard of who calls herself Mercedes and the people ride her, but nevertheless that wasn’t the answer and when Alan told Joseph this, I don’t know if it was my poor reception playing tricks, but it looked like Joseph was swearing a blood oath to take his measly 500k and find a lawyer to file for legal divorce from such uncles.
Meanwhile it’s Women’s Day you people. Happy Women.
The next contestant was Matovu who went to a school he called St Lawrence which I have never heard of. Is it close to the better-known Saint Rolense?
As they did their jolly little bounce through the C-beebies stage of questions, me I was on Twitter following the #millionaireug hashtag. This is something you should try.
There came a point back on the show, however, when this question was asked. Dude, how many East African Community Countries are there? Matovu grabbed his chin. He knew there were no longer just three, but he wasn’t sure. Now, some people got mad at his ignorance, but I can kind of understand. I mean, I have never seen anyone from Burundi ever. I am not entirely sure that country even exists in real life, so when Matovu went for a 50-50 I was with him. The remaining choices being Three and Five sealed it. On to the next round.
During this next round we were to discover that Matovu is a hip hop afficionado, and not just one of those ones. His favourite is Common. Respect. When he said he didn’t like Sean Puffy Combs I personally checked my Mobile Money balance to see if I could afford to top up whatever he ended up with because I believed at that point that he deserved to win.
The question was: Who was the rapper who did “Drop It Like It’s Hot” and “Beautiful”. The correct answer is Snoop’s ghostwriter, but if you say Snoop you still remain in the game.
Matovu had 2.5million shillings now.
Things were heating up. The host had to take a sip of that clear liquid they keep in glasses on the table that some think is water but which I hope is Smirnoff. What was it that halted the construction of the Uganda Railway in those days of long ago? Answer, not cholera, but lions developing a taste for Subcontinental cuisine. That is, they ate the Indians who had come to build it, man!
Then which city spans two continents? Shya. It has to be a city in Turkey, right? Unless there is some similar continent-spanning metropolis in this mystical land you call Burundi. I don’t know where, if at all, Burundi can be found, so who knows which continent it might cross.
Matovu made it. Istanbul=five million bob. The most anyone has won so far.
Then The Guardian Of Secrets brought out the Fire Trial: Which of these birds produces a milk-like fluid to feed their young? Is it a flamingo, a peacock, an ostrich or whatever it is who the hell knows the answer to this question?
Matovu did the smart thing. He packed up his nuts took the check from Alan and went home with it. That was the show.
Congratulations to Matovu, Puffy is a vile, and finally, apologies to all the people of Burundi. You know I was just kidding. I love you all.
That is if at all there are any people IN Burundi. For all I know the whole country might be empty.