Monday Massacres: ULK meeting minutes

By • Mar 7th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

These have come in late. Very late. Internets of one of the major Internet Service Providers(ISP) was down for the entire morning. Our grapevine gave us the 411. Mexican drug lords held the main guy at the ISP by the kahunas and told him to handover the internet. Naturally he gave it to them. They were later intercepted trying to cross into Mexico with the internet. Border patrol got them. They face up to 20-year jail terms each, if lucky. Now, yes, the massacres:



The ULK weekend meeting started off like any other ordinary meeting. With the chairman shouting over the din, “Can I call this meeting to order?”

Erique, as usual, had shown up with his pet monkey. Like its owner, the mammal just couldn’t sit still. And it was not into bananas. It preferred Pringles and crisps.

Ivan sat in a corner like a veggie waiting to exhale. And throughout the meeting, he seemed to be holding his breath. He later wrote in his diary that he is still training for…oh wait, it is his diary. We cannot write about it here on the internets.

Streetsider did not come with his 3 bats or his (fake) vampire teeth. He however did show up with his cloak. And his wand. And his broom. And let the record hold that he kept waving the wand at anyone who said more than 13 words in a sentence. Yes, he audibly counted our words as we spoke.

Bazanye was high on coffee. So mid-meeting, he’d run out and come back sweating. And for some reason I am yet to establish, he kept occasionally screaming “I heard you the first time. But I WILL NOT DO IT! NO DMITRI, NO DMITRI, NO ALEHANDRO, I WILL NOT DO IT!!” while vigorously shaking his head and tugging at his hair. No, he had no cap on.

Sleek, yours truly, was fully engrossed typing these minutes. Typing furiously. And swatting flies. Very hard to do simultaneously I tell you. Type. Swat. Type. Swat. Sleek was too busy to look up from his typing to answer the phone whenever his “Amelia” ringtone would come to life. He knew it was Mozilla, his psychiatrist, reminding him to take his medication. Stupid sod. I’m not sick. YOU are sick. YOU who are named after a browser. Mmmssccchheeewwww.

The chairman was a hired super-natural being come down from the Swiss Alps (see, your secondary school Geography was not all useless). Like we were told in secondary school, since he was from the Swiss Alps, he had a long white beard. Like Gandalf. And his ears were long. Like a hobbit’s. And he took off time to tell us about his home, the Swiss Alps.

“It is near the prairies. And the Rhinelands are not so far off. In fact, if you wake up early enough at home, you can eat wheat from the Prairies. Or Saskatchewan. Whichever you want. Now let the meeting commence.”

Erique: Can we have snacks first? Mlepo is hungry. Look at him (pointing at the monkey that seems to be going through Ivan’s hair)

Streetsider: ( waves wand at Erique)

Chairman: (in his booming Swiss Alps voice) Mlepo, wefugge! Control yourself!

Erique: Don’t be too harsh on him, he’s only…

Bazanye: DMITRI, I SAID NO!!! ALEHANDRO, GO ***** **** (tea poured on this part of the minutes)

Ivan: (in his head)…45, 46, 47, (I can do it I can do it), 51, 52…

At this point electricity went off.




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  • Stella

    haha can i please join the next meeting?

    • Sleek

      Without a doubt…you’ll take the minutes no?