Kiss-Ass Friday: Of Telecom Companies & The Hot Kampala Girl

By • Mar 4th, 2011 • Category: Features

News news? Yes teacher?

We recently had Orange joining our wicked crew of awesomeness. In English it means we get to kiss their asses. (No, we don’t remove their panties and…what is wrong with you?) But here at ULK, we are not famous for kissing ass. We burn it. No matter how sexy you are.

We are invited to many social functions, not because they want positive reviews but because they want it given to them straight. And that’s what we do best. Ask Otunnu.

But you guys really dissed Tunnix

So instead of spitting in your face mbu simanyi Orange has the most affordable offers, sijui the best internet, we sent our scouts to investigate how good they really are.


But you know how our scouts and snitches be. They entered the Orange customer care centre and never came out. Apparently the girls in there can supply sexiness that is capable of relieving Africa of all its poverty problems. Don’t ask me how.

Dude, did you do the research or not?

We sent another round of snitches and they also didn’t come out. Then we sent a Legend to investigate the two bizarre incidents-me.

I wanted to be thoroughly professional about my investigation, just like in the movies. So I went to Aristoc and bought yellow duct tape and a marker. On the duct tape I wrote “ULK Line. Do not cross” and went with it to the Orange customer care centre.

I felt offended immediately I reached the parking lot when everyone started looking at me like they wanted to lynch me sexually.

How do they even do that?

So like a true genius I switched to plan B. I ran. Then I called customer care to complain about the people they have hanging around their parking lot. And that’s how I met Angella.

From Nansana?

No. From customer care. She’s the reason our snitches were not coming out of the customer care centre. And she’s the reason they just vouched for Orange as a cool network for no particular reason. An inside source told us they just kept walking around her like zombies. Apparently her voice is that hypnotizing. I tried to upload her pic but the site jammed.

But I thought we were reviewing Orange

We are. Orange has hot girls. That’s our comprehensive assessment. Just ring ring customer care and ask for Angella then you’ll know what’s up.

What’s up with her?

You know how you call customer care threatening to burn your SIM card if they don’t address your problem? Well, picture this. You’ll get the problem, you’ll call to complain and if Angella picks up, you’ll want to listen to her problems instead. A hot, sexy-voiced girl’s problems always sound more touching.

You think it’s sad that there are suffering women and children out there without food or shelter? Listen to a hot girl complaining and you’ll feel brokenhearted by all of life’s unfairness. How can she break her fingernail? God, this world is unjust!

Now I understand Sizzaman. Me I have a huge crush on this girl and she’s the reason I bought my Orange line. I’m asking her out on a date. Pray for me.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people