How To Get Umeme Off Your Case For Good

By • Mar 1st, 2011 • Category: WTH

The Urban Legend How To Guide. 12 Steps To Success in Absolutely Anything. Today we learn a valuable lesson for all Ugandans during this trying time.

How To Generate Your Own Electricity.

  1. Electricity is a very costly commodity to produce and that is why you don’t find people selling it on the streets in wheelbarrows. They only sell kawomera and that bollocks Ice Cream that tastes like cough syrup. Because only cheap bollocks stuff can be sold off wheelbarrows and electricity is not in this category, so step one is to get a lot of money.
  2. If you are thinking of getting a job so as to earn the money, excuse me while I laugh condescendingly. No no no. Not even if you get Rich The Banker’s job. Rich the Banker has the biggest salary I have ever seen. When I was in intelligence we went through his personal files and right after I saw his paycheque I ruined my trousers. From that day on, I was not allowed to go on assignments without adult diapers. Now I know why you never see Rich The Banker at a petrol station. When his Lexus SUV runs out of petrol, he just buys a new one.
  3. But even Rich the Banker does not own a dam.
  4. He has a generator at his house. But do you need twelve steps to teach you how to get a generator? No, we are talking about having an epic Owen Falls Dam-style assembly in your backyard.
  5. To generate your own electricity without cheating like bankers, you will have to earn a degree in physics. So apply to go to MIT. And that is the real MIT, not the one Sematimba went to. The one where they teach you how to invent things.
  6. Pick the course that is about applied energy solutions. That’s the one you need.
  7. If your lecturer walks in and speaks in a calm voice and never laughs manically, leave.
  8. Sign up for the class taught by a mad scientist like Megamind, Doofenshmirtz, Mojo Jojo and my personal favourite (all you Eighties’ babies get ready to run to Wikipedia,) Doc Emmet Brown.

    Doc Brown. You'll meet in 2015

  9. These men will teach you everything you need to know to not only build a ridiculously flambouyant energy-generating machine, and you might also get some tips on how to attempt to take over ze world muahahahha! Or the whoel tri-state area.
  10. Armed with the knowledge of how to fabricate an improbable giant machine, you will then need the resources to build it. I suggest you turn to crime.
  11. Broad daylight robbery might sound like a good idea, but Umeme has that market cornered, so try to think bigger. I think you should stand for president.
  12. Seriously. Do you think they load shed Sevo?

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