The Oscars. They were last night. We missed them. But a journalist knows how to compensate for things like not actually knowing jack. What we do is find an expert to interview. Badru Seagal’s current facebook status is “I bend Hollywood over”. Sounds like an expert to me, so I tracked him down.
Baz: Badru, thanks for having this interview at such short notice. Let me not waste time. I hear these days Umeme controls the internet so we could get cut off at any time. Badru, for starters, what are the Oscars?
Badru: Well, in America, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences gets together once a year to distribute trophies knows as “Oscars” to various movie makers in various categories. The purpose is to recognise achievement in movies such as Black Swan which don’t have any Kung Fu or robots in them. This is good because someone has to recognise those films, and I definitely won’t be that someone as I only recognise movies with Kung Fu and robots in them.
You may say that is shallow and unsophisticated of me, and you would be right, but I am not ashamed of it. I like robots and I like kung fu.
Baz: Um, the Oscars have recognised a movie with kung fu in it before. Remember Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon?
Badru: Yeah. I remember that movie. It was okay. Could have used a few robots, though.
Baz: Tell us about 2011’s Oscars, Badru.
Badru: Well, the main story is, of course, Colin Firth and The King’s Speech. Colin Firth winning the Oscar for best actor was a worthy achievement in my point of view, even though I have not seen the film. I feel that the mere fact that Colin Firth manages to pass as a sex symbol, even though I have seen old shoes that look just like his face, is proof of how good an actor he really is.
The other big story was Natalie Portman’s win for Black Swan. Now, here I have to object. A movie named Black Swan should at least have a ninja in it somewhere, but these people didn’t even try. Waste of a good title. I hope that when Nollywood decides to make their own Black Swan they have someone kicking something. Desmond Elliot.
Baz: Did you watch Black Swan?
Badru: I did. Well, actually, I forwarded to the much-talked-about lesbi(censored to prevent spambots from locating this site) makeout scene. I must say I was disappointed. I mean, it wasn’t that raunchy. I see more scandalous things every day. I live near a university hostel.
Baz: What films do you think the Oscars should have awarded that they didn’t?
Badru: I have to say The Figher. That movie was everything about movies that I love. It’s a moving, touching, endearing, heartwrenching story of struggle and triumph and redemption.
Jean Claude Van Damme stars in it as Colonel Guile and he leads a team of martial arts heroes to fight Dictator Bison…
Baz: Dude, that wasn’t The Fighter. That was Street Fighter.
Badru: Well Kylie Minogue deserved an Oscar for it anyway.