Election season is over. Enter post-election season. The tough part. Cos if all you had to do during elections was to just vote, now you have to explain why. This is the time when a lot of people turn into political pundits and are ready to drone on and on and on about how much they imagine they are Charles Onyango Obbo.
But some of you, bambi, and I’m not trying to be mean here, are just not. I mean, we give you a C for effort and we would like the class to clap for you, but let’s face it. You are a midget in these things. You can wear the Chicago Bulls jersey, but you will not really be able to dunk.
But you also want to play, so this is what we are going to do. We shall teach you how to act like you know politics so that even you you can go and also you be there.
Learn the Big Words: Corruption. Escalating Poverty. Order of the day. Endemic. Political will. Regime. These words can be thrown into pretty much any statement to make it sound political.
For example, the other day we were discussing. “Justin Beiber didn’t get a grammy. Was it because he sucks? Cos I think he sounds like a duck that someone fat has just sat on.”
Now rewrite that as “Politics”:
“Endemic corruption is the order of the day. Is it because of escalating poverty? I think it’s because of the political will of this regime that is lacking.”
You see how quickly that became political? It’s so easy.
Learn the themes: Economy. Revolution. Rights. The Common Man. History.
For example, don’t talk about how Sara Zawedde’s clothes be too tight and how you think she needs a new mirror to show her that she is getting older, not younger.
Say the Economy is getting too tight, and we need a revolution to free the rights of the common man. Because now is the time to make history.
Don’t worry about pesky things like facts and reality. If you are pretending to be politically astute, then you are just pretending and it doesn’t matter if what you say is true.
For example, the truth is that the Ugandan economy has been growing consistently for years and statistics tell us that nationwide poverty has been reducing. But do I sound impressive when I say that? Hell no. I sound like a limp, damp, flaccid lackey of the ruling party. I sound like my mouth is full of shoe polish. (I may have mentioned before that I am trying to clean up my language. That is why I allude to bootlicking there and not what I really mean and what you know I really mean, which is ass kissing)
If I said, “This is why poverty is on the rise every day! The economy is going to the dogs! The common man doesn’t know where to turn!”
Right there I just became Che Guevara. I was beautiful when I said that.
Bigotry: Bigotry is a great tool for sounding political. It’s actually one of the most popularly voiced political positions in any country. This is because tolerance is mostly expressed in silence, but bigotry isn’t. The best way to express bigotry is to begin by denying it.
“I am not a bigot but…”
Then blame everything on people who are not you. I recommend homosexuals. They are the easiest group in Uganda to bully around. I’ve heard homosexuals be successfully blamed for climate change, too!
But you can also blame The Western Media. You can say a lot of stuff about the western media that no one will dispute because, frankly, no one wants to. Richard Quest is a smug, slimy bag of plastic teeth and we don’t like him. We will readily believe that he is himself bankrolled the Janjaweed.