Tomorrow we vote for the next batch of leaders this nation will have. (Cough. Hem at “next”). The national election exercise is a very important one and we must all try to make it run as smoothly and efficiently as possible. In pursuit of this, I have compiled the following guidelines.
Yes, I said I and not WE. This could be the first ULK story I have ever written when I stand aside from my esteemed colleagues, but they support different candidates from me, and this has brought division in our ranks. I am not their friend because they support people who want to … wait. This is not the place for politicking. It doesn’t matter who those misguided sheep vote for anyway. We shall CRUSH THEM.
Let’s get to these guidelines.
Carry an MP3 player that is fully-loaded. You may need the soothing and calming effect of music to keep you stable and sedate during this important time. You are going to be stuck in a queue with the electorate, formerly known as “Miscellaneous village chaps you don’t know” for a long long time. Some of them will be uppity and excited. They may be flushed with a feeling of oneness with all the rest of Uganda, and unfortunately, that may include you. They may try to engage you in conversation. That is why you need to have headphones on. So you can act like you can’t hear them. If you have a working MP3 player you may actually not hear them.
Besides, it would be awesome if right at the moment you cast your ballot you have Wyclef playing Dear Mr President.
Or even better. Playing Mista Mista. Not because it is relevant, just because it’s an awesome song.
No Sexting in Line. There is a time and place for everything, but the queue to vote in a national election is not the time or the place for sexting.
If you are a Ugandan, (and you should be. If you are not, don’t vote) you will be tempted to squeeze up really close to the person ahead of you in the queue. It’s something you people do that I have never understood. A person goes to a queue for anything and suddenly his bum is full of the Ugandan behind him. Let’s not do this this time. Please keep a respectable distance.
Bathe. Bathe before you go to the queue.
Be Vigilant! There may be some people who would want to flout the Electoral Commission regulations put in place to ensure a free and fair voting process and, though there are gazetted agents in the area to spot and apprehend these criminals where necessary, it is also upon you, the regular citizen voter, to report any illegal behavior. Also, a voting line can be a great opportunity to hook up with the opposite sex, so keep your eyes peeled.
Don’t laugh when anyone says Erections. Grow the hell up.
Visit Urbanlegendkampala.com for live-blogged coverage of the whole damn thing.
If you bring a snack, share with the rest of the electorate. It’s the right thing to do and will be in keeping with the spirit of the whole thing. We as a people have come together to speak in one voice. As if we have one mouth. To share in determining our destiny. Therefore, we should also share in that pizza you have.
Oh, also don’t laugh at Beti Kamya’s initials. Seriously. Grow up.
Finally, remember to vote for (Removed by Editor for Going Against Objectivity Guidelines and Also Because Editor Doesn’t Want That Candidate to Win)