Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, the game show where a tall man asks questions and gives away money had three contestants this week, in addition to a plump cleavage that one viewer noticed bulging at him from behind the final contestant.
Let’s get into it.
Lubeba was first. Lubega was educated at MIT, and for this reason we shall respect his conglomerate. All he did with the first set of questions was swat them away like they were merely bothersome flies flitting around inconveniently between him and his easy money.
After he had scored his sh500,000, the baby class round ended and Ringmaster Alan K-to-the-double-J asked: Which Area In Uganda is Famous For It’s Tree Climbing Lions?
There is a goat in Kireka that climbs trees. I’m not lying. They call it Apollo. But as for the lions, not everybody knows that. I do, but many other viewers were stumped.
MIT chose Ishara but it was out of the frying pan and deep into the fire. The next question was: Which Hollywood film showcases Ugandan Hip Hop Artists?
Do YOU know the answer to that question?
Lubega chose to go with a lifeline, while, from my seat, I googled and found a youtube link of Babaluku and his 14 incisors representin hip HAP the way he does under the title: Video Diamonds in The Rough, but in the studio, the audience was voting for Hip Hop Pilates, or Platypus or something– I can’t read my own handwriting.
Alas, Lubega chose to follow the audience’s lead to his doom. His excuse was he doesn’t know much about hip hop because he is not a young man. Well, neither is Babaluku…
Who would our next contestant be? Lil Sophie.
Now, I may have mentioned before that Kasujja stands towards seven feet tall, Those ends. Sophie was a tiny woman. She stood head to his waist and had to flail her arms upwards like she was cheering just to get to shake his hand.
She said she was a student at MUBS as she settled in for Baby Class round, the one where the 500,000 is guaranteed. ALL MUBS students owe money to somebody, that’s just how they be. You now know how much she has.
They asked her which of a variety of sauces is popular in Uganda. Now, those of us from Javas know Mushroom sauce mostly, but Sophie needed to ask for a 50-50 lifeline to determine whether it was this or groundnut sauce.
And then when they asked her who, from a list of three ex Kabakas and another fellow, was a former prime minister of Buganda and she had to get another lifeline, we figured out that Sophie must be from outside countries.
A clever twitterer observed at this point that Kasujja’s legs are the only ones that ever touch the ground when they sit on those chairs. I have a photo that I will upload when I have more battery power.
Wee Sophie was doing well. She was up to 2,500,000, when Big Al brought out the next one. If she fails this, she would lose two million, he warned. She giggled. MUBS girls giggle nicely. That’s probably why they get people to give them soft loans so easily, and they have all this money to spend on mushroom sauce, so they don’t even know what binyebwa are.
Her next lifeline did her in. They asked her how many cards are used in a poker game. “That’s all the cards, baby,” I beamed telepathically into the screen, but she didn’t get the message. Instead she called up one of those people we have all met who, even if they don’t know what they are talking about, will continue to speak with confidence, even when they are just making shit up.
He told her the wrong answer and I have never seen a face fall so dramatically any place on TV outside of Saborati.
She hopped off the seat and ambled sadly off, passing through Alan’s legs to walk off stage and plot how to use the 500,000 bob she was left with to kill the idiot who told her it was 37 cards.
The third contestant was a lawyer named Diana who had a bright smile and wanted to learn to use the Law for development while, just within camera shot, above her shoulder, an audience member’s bossom bulged at us.
Diana almost flunked out when asked what happens when the opposite poles of two magnets meet. She confidently smugged, “B. Repulsion.” I punched myself in frustration.
Kasujja had to do the “are you sure?” thing that he always does whether you are right or wrong, and this time, it is what saved her. “I know the saying: like poles repel, and unlike poles attr… OH! Wait! I have to change that answer!”
And so thanks to that Hail Mary shot, Diana remained in the game and will be playing on next week. When you shall find me here. In your internets, doing the recap.