Baz: The Kampala Mayoral debate screened live on NTV on Friday began with something nobody expected. Mubarak stepping down. Then, while we were all distracted by this news, Mich Egwang snuck in and got the gig to MC the mayoral debates.
Here are the contestants from the academy. Captain Francis Babu in a kanzu representing. Elias Lukwago who I prefer to call Elias as in with the English pronunciation. I think that would piss him off, so it would be fun. We have the vampire Peder Sematimba aka Twilight. We have Emmanuel Tumusiime aka Who? We have Michael Eminem Mabikke, and we have Toots.
First up. Captain Babu.
I don’t like those things of people who claim to speak of issues without ever actually citing numbers. People should throw numbers around. Like how Alan Shore does. Babu has numbers. I like this guy.
Next up is Lukwago Elias. EeLeeyasi. I shall call him Ee-Lai-yus.
He says Kampala is just one giant slum. Mich tells him he is almost out of time. Aaaaaaaachhhhh. How does Mich tell you that? When you become mayor, have Mich arrested.
Mutebile says he has been “fighting for corruption”.
At this point my esteemed colleague takes over. Yes Erique…
Erique: Sarah Ngabo. She started by abusing the city. She’s still abusing it. Still at it. Oh, she called Seya “His Worship”. That should count for something. She’s back to abusing. Now she’s asking for a sex change. No, she wants to stay female. I think she means the city needs a female mayor this time. Either that or she just wants Kampala’s sex to change. That’s going to require quite an obscene sum of money. Her closing is filled with motherly sensitivity and emotion. We love you, mum.
Oh, here comes the vampire. Some people call him Peter Sematimba. Ho! He has unleashed the accent. There’s a girl in the audience looking at him, then at the guy interpreting for the deaf, then back at him. I think she wants to understand what he’s saying. Vote him and you’ll understand, hot chic.
Vampire is actually the first guy to campaign like a prefect. “I intend to…I plan to…In fact…” He says he’s not a politician, but a leader. He is not a politician. He’s participating in a politicians’ debate as something else. Vampire!
Next is Eminem. You know him as Michael Mabikke. Ernest here thinks he is Enygma. Let’s see. He’s rapping, check, he’s rapidyl pulling out song titles, check, yep, this is definitely Enygma. He says he’s going to maintain the road infrastructure. Looks like we’re staying friends with that pothole I met this morning. I should have asked for its number. Over to you, Baz. Wait, Seya is sleeping. I repeat Mr. Nasser Commando Sebaggala has gone to bed in his chair. Over to you for real this time, Baz.
Baz: And just when the first action scene arrives. Finally we have something interesting. Elyus gets his big stick out and swings it at Sematimba’s head. Nti YOU! Gavumenti gave you 6.5 million shillings. Where is it! They were even going to arrest you for stealing it! What about! Mswech!”
We all get excited. The entire viewership of NTV is chanting “fight fight fight fight!“
Except Mich, who doesn’t like it when the attention is on anyone but him. He is busy saying, “Your time is up.”
Luckily sense prevails and Mich has to sit back while Sematimba smugly and snidely suggests that Elyus Lawyer Lukwago should learn how to read his own papers. Once again. Aaaaaaaaach.
But I still think they should meet outside round the back later and handle this shit. Either deal with it like some gentlemen or get into some old gangsta ish.
Or for our younger readers, gangsta sh*t.
Erique: Oh. Baz, did you see that? She called Lukwago a good friend. She saw what happened to Vampire. I see Seya smiling. He may have seen an ice cream bicycle. Sexy Sara is also trying to shut Mutebile and shout at him. Lukwago is good friend, huh? Fight fight fight fight. No fight! Mbu we need love to sort out the issue of street kids. Msstcchww. Wait, are these two flirting?
Baz: Tumusiime said he will use love. Seriously. Love. Am I watching Oprah by mistake? What was the name of the Twilight Vampire? I swear, dammit, I’m above fifteen, I don’t know their freaking names! I never knew I would ever need to know its name so as to nickname a mayoral candidate!
Twilight has been asked a question. Oh, he loves this one. They asked him about Buganda issues and he purred to himself, knowing he could just sit back and remind us that the Kabaka himself, gave him, Peder Sematimba, a personal shout-out during his new year’s speech.
Erique: Mabeekay has been given a complicated question, I hear him screaming: “Okay okay you guys. Man!” And he’s staring at us mbu to show he’s deep in thought. I think he’s asking “When is this shit ending?” I’m on his side. Now they are talking garbage. No, seriously. They are talking about garbage.
Sijui who’ll collect it better. Audience has been asked to ask. You know in school when they’ve rung the bell for lunch time and the teacher asks: “Any more questions?” You know those scientific looking dudes who always have something to say? Most of them wear specs (Don’t look at me like that, Baz). They always put up their hands when everyone wants to leave. I hated them. And I’m hating the way everyone in the audience has a question. It’s supposed to be news time. I want to see Mubarak packing his suitcase.
Baz: This thing is going on too long. I also want to go and listen to Hotmix.
In other news, Mabs looks like Chris from Everybody Hates Chris. An astute observation from facebook.
But wait. Elyus and Vampino are going to fight again. Sematimba is using Yoshimitsu and Lukwago is using Eddie Gordo.
It’s the educational qualifications thing. Lukwago claiming Peder has no papers.
Sematimba unleashes fury. Cross triangle cross cross circle. “I won’t just tell you what my marks have been all my life from P7. I will tell you what they are in comparison to those of the guy who is levelling these accusations against me.”
He proceeds to tell us what he got in P7. 3. His esteemed opponent? 16. And goes on until he informs us that he graduated Magna Cum Laude, and for those of us who don’t know what that is, that it’s a big deal.
But not quite. Lukwago comes in for a blocked shot to ask Sematimba why there is this discrepancy of dates between this theology degree he has.
“That’s why we need a mayor who can read,” says Sematimba.
Eh. Why don’t you two get a room?