Niggas… we have a crisis on our hands niggas. Huddle up, we need to talk. It’s Valentine’s Day. The day to show your woman you ain’t bullshitting in this love game. It is that day of lurrrrrve!! That day of bright pink beating sweet mutimas. Even if you are one of those guys who only has a picture of his right hand in his wallet. Find a woman and make her feel your love. It’s Valentine’s Day!! I am talking to tha brothas. I am telling you, You gotta do something mehhn, you gotta show some love nyigga, you gotta go out there and do something brash and flamboyant and outrageous… the stink of love is in the air my Kampala brothas… YOU GATS TO FEEL THA LUV NYIGGA!!!
And if you need help, here are the top ten things to do for your loved ones this Valentine’s. To show them that unlike Warid Telecom, You Care.
1- Call your love first thing in the morning. But don’t talk those sweet nothings. Oh no! Do something to show them that today is no ordinary day. Unleash a loud war whoop into the mouthpiece. Or hum the intro from the NTV breaking news. Or sing the Love Wheel radio ad And I….. wanttu sheeeya ollo my laaav… do the Voice-overs as well. DO IT!
2- Send your loved one some flora (or fauna) at the office. Don’t send her some puny punk bitch roses wrapped up in tinsel. Everyone is doing that. Send her the whole bush. That’s how you let her know you are a high octane Nigga who lives hard and plays by no rules but his own. Big pimpin’ my friend, big pimpin’.
3- Where office gifts are concerned, chocolate is another common favorite in this season. All chocolate says is, I want you horny and happy. And who wouldn’t want that for a loved one? We all would! That is why I recommend mulondo and binyebwa. . T.I.A. This Is Africa. African love time baby!!
4- Pick her up after work. Even if you are a broke ass nigga who reserves the luxury of a bajaj for his birthday or the canonization of a new saint… pick her up after work. If you can’t afford a cab you can’t afford a cab. If she asks why you are taking her for a date in a cattle truck, tell her you spoke to the driver and he said you could have it as long as you washed it every Tuesday for the next month. As players and pimps hustling in this city trying to get that paper… we gats to keep it real.
5- Take her out to dinner. Can’t do pork? Can’t do Cayenne or Effendi’s or Serena? Take her for a Rolex, the ones of 700 which just have the egg and chapatti without the bigenderako. Your love is the bigenderako.
6- Watch a movie. Eff Cineplex. We don’t believe in it. It’s a matter of principle. Cineplex don’t appreciate the struggle of being a black man in 2011.Make your own movie. Recruit some street kids and act it out in the middle of the street while she leans on a lamppost looking cool eating popcorn of 300.
7- Write her a poem if you want. Poems are good. But make sure it’s a thug poem. Make her feel the thug love nyigga. Valentine’s Day 2011, WE GOOOOO!!!
8- Take her out dancing in a club. Now if she wants to chill by the bar and be all casual, you can’t do anything more than that. This is her day you understand? But should she decide that she wants to dance, for example when that Bend Over song comes on, you have to put your pimp foot forward. You have to put in some good centre bolt action and rub her like you want her pants to catch fire. That’s how you show love on the dance-floor.
9- And when you get back to your place; you cant mess up my nigga brothas. There is no excuse. You have to make her speak tongues backwards; you have to make her dislocate joints that can’t be dislocated, like the ones in her ear. You have to put it down!! Make her feel the love!!
10- In the bedroom, you should be creative. If God didn’t give you money at least he gave you a hustlers brain. Do something memorable. Wear a cowboy hat with a mask for no reason. Invent a sex style and christen it. Something like the Crouching Phantom or the Howling Ninja. Get some mood music. Techno should do the trick. Go all out. Break a leg, literally.
And at all cost, by any means… Make ‘em feel the love!!