What's your deal

What’s your deal: Security Officers

By • Feb 10th, 2011 • Category: Columns, Notes From An Idle Mind

We had bombs go off last year and in the aftermath, the security sector, if you can call it that, has rushed to make itself relevant. I’d love to commend them for their work… their attempt at being thorough and all, but come on, we all know there are some questions that need to be asked, observations made… piss to be taken, you get the idea.

For one thing, there’s the odd sense of entitlement that seems to have crept into their lives. “Oh look at me, I’m a uniform, I can do whatever I want…” Sod that. The only reason you can do whatever you want is because you’re totting a freakin’ AK47. That sir, is why no one is going to say jack when you stop them like they owe you an explanation for their retake or failure to get it up.

Also, would it kill you to ask for permission before you thrust your hand through the window as it makes its way to the glove compartment? There’s something a little unnerving about having a guy with red eyes and limited linguistic capabilities sticking his hand into your car and wordlessly popping open the glove compartment. Heck, if I had a gun you wouldn’t make it that far.

Plus, we also have things to do. Is it too much to ask you to do your job expediently. Just because I sat through Black Swan and The King’s Speech that doesn’t give you any reason to believe that I have all the time in the world. Quit taking your sweet time as you rummage through the logbook, spare phone battery and handcuffs. Get in, get out. There are women of the night that don’t spend as much time as you do when they’re working.

Please be a little consistent. You can not frisk me with gusto one day and then let me through the next. What are we, dating? I get the feeling that there’s a certain familiarity you seem to have picked up, but that’s really no reason to stop it. Just don’t be overzealous while you’re at it and attempt to give me a vasectomy. I’m looking at you, dude at Steak Out!

FYI, people lie. Don’t you watch House? What are the odds you will ask a terrorist whether he is armed and he’ll say, “oh yeah, sure. I’m set to go off like fireworks on New Year’s Day…and that’s just what I’m carrying in my shoes…” I appreciate the effort at being polite and trusting, but dude. You did not wake up this morning to trust people!

True story, I walked into a popular hang-out spot with a massive wig. I could have hidden just about anything in there….including a rabied puppy. Did they check the hair? No! I can’t imagine why seeing as there’s no documented episode involving Straka asking people to layoff her nest. Why aren’t you checking hair?

Then again, dude at Fuegos in Muyenga had suggested that I frisk my friend and have my friend frisk me. Friend was a female, so I guess this security thing may have its perks…only if the security personnel happen to be a bunch of voyeurs…and NO, we did not browse each other.

I suppose what I’m asking here is;

What's your deal

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About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers