It has come to my attention that the weather reads urban legend Kampala. Following a post I put up recently detailing the heats change of heart, the heat has come back full force as if to say tomanyiro tompalampa oswadde.
According to a report from the ministry of Disaster Preparedness and Something Else, we are going to be stuck in Satan’s nostril till April.
1- Sweat. Get good at it. Practice sweating till the stuff squirts out of your pores; till it even creates foam. This is no time to be squeamish, this is survival.
2- Become a vampire. That way you are spared the daytime roast. The question is how, wearing black eye-shadow and prancing around cemeteries feeling melancholy wont cut it I will tell you. You need a real vampire to turn you. This is my recommendation; hire a spesho, load your coffin in the back and look for Peter Sematimba. But ask nicely okay?
3- Walk around naked. But only if you are female, in the 16 to 23 bracket and not fat. Not only do you reduce on your heat load, but you will also serve as an offering to appease the pervy whims of the Rain God. If you make him happy he will smile and make us all wet.
4- Take a siesta. Once it clocks like 1 pm like so’s and the kasana is mob mob kwegamba it is just kika, just collapse and sleep.
5- Evolve, adapt. Just like the dinosaurs evolved to cope with the shortage of food on earth by digging into the ground (hence fossils) you too can pull off something. There is really no ceiling on what you can do here, like growing reflective skin. You will look like C3PO.
6- Ice cream really helps, though washing it out of your hair, fingernails, navel and pubic hair after you’ve taken that dip might prove a trick. Plus where are you going to find that many kids to snatch ice cream from?
7- Drink engine coolant. At all times. Even when punching UG
8- Do not perform strenuous activities. Do not do anything at all. Lie in the shade blowing on your skin to cool it.
9- Move to the South pole and chill with Pingu and his peeps.
10- Kill yourself…