Failure, it turned out, in spite of what the teachers said, actually WAS an option.
Kirinya Festo, 23, of Daring Heights SS in Kyangulumuddu Parish, Wakinyoggo recorded the lowest score in Biology during this year’s UCE exams. Festo, a sweet man-child with wide trusting eyes who sucked his thumb during our interview explained that he had to overcome many personal hurdles to make it to school every day, and so most days he just didn’t bother and instead stayed at home staring blankly into space and occasionally nibbling at a turd from one of his father’s emaciated goats.
Annet Bwambale was described by all her teachers as industrious, focused, ambitious and driven to succeed no matter the cost. These are the qualities that enabled her to completely flunk all her papers in the recent UCE examinations.
The whole time she was in O-Level at Malicious High School Kasese, she did not touch a single text book. She was too busy running a thriving liquor and prostitution racket from the school dormitories. One of her loyal customers had this to say about Annet: “She always had the best quality hos and also had a great loyalty rewards scheme where you could get your ho for half price on Sunday if you had her all week. I felt very bad giving her O percent in Divinity after all she had done for me.”
Morose Odongo attributes his dismal marks to the fact that he wrote his exams in sms shorthand. He hopes to use this failure to start a career as a newspaper journalist. “Itz e bst carer 4 thz whu dnt no hw 2 ryt in Englsh,” he said.
Below are some of the students’ answers.
Biology Qn. 3:
Explain the Human Reproductive System
The human reploductiv system is what humans use when dey want a baby. My mummy and daddy they told me that how they made a baby is thus. When they still used to love each other they went to the bedroom upstairs and daddy he pulled out his Wallet and he removed 20k and they went to Owino Market and they found me there after bargaining.
My blother for him they spent 9 months saving money every time they had one K they would put it in mummy’s blouse until it grew big then when it was enough they went to Capital Shoppers and dey buy a blother in baby form.
Chemistry Qn. 5:
What is the valency of hydrogen ?
I don’t know. Some shit you made up to torture me?
Physics Qn. 2:
What are Newton’s Three Laws?
Newton was a man who had laws. They were three. In scientific terms it is referred to as a trifecta of laws. In musical terms it is a trio of laws. Like Blu3. In terms of Chinese Mafia terms it is even a triad of laws. These laws always work together one after another in order, for example, one law leads to another which is followed by another until you have three. This is called Newton’s Three Laws.
Discuss the fall of the Songhai Kingdom
The Songhai Kingdom was located in what is present-day Nigeria. According to the film Magic Princess, the kingdom located in what is present-day Nigeria collapsed due to a spell that was cast by the witchdoctor after the chief refused to allow his daughter, played by Genevive Nnaji, to marry the son of a witchdoctor. This led to a series of cataclysmic events that culminated in the destruction of the whole kingdom.