Previously in this series… Biggie was there scouting for people and then we said, situped, let us do this for you…
Hang on, it’s that Sleek dude from that place… what about? And he comes bearing gifts…
My first nominee is Micheal Ezra. Super ideal contestant. Do the maths; BBA top prize is about US$200,000. Ezra, at the last press conference that he called to flash his monetary gonad, flashed US$3,000,000 in our faces. Just like that. He’d make a great contestant because he’d keep telling Big Brother what to do, which means more entertainment for us.
Booming Big Brother voice: Contestants, report to the dining room so I can say intimidating stuff to you
Ezra: Biggie, for USD $200,000, I want to hear you sing “I am your angel. Do both Celine and R. Kelly’s parts”.
BBB voice: (clearing his voice)…
(Stay tuned… we’ll bring you more)
Nominee number two is Celine Dione. I know she isn’t exactly African. But think edge-of-the-seat entertainment. In the morning, right after breakfast, just before hitting the shower for the third time, she’d break out:
“Near…(gestures near), far (gestures far), wherever you are (makes flapping movements with arms), my heart will go on (gestures around bosom region, indicating ‘heart will go on’)…”
Pure entertainment. Pure. Un-adultered entertainment.
My last nominee is Keifer Sutherland. You may know him as ‘Jack Bauer’. Again skip the he’s-not-African part. BBA is about acting. And kicking backside. But it’s also about keeping Big Brother’s face hidden. Not with Keifer in there. He’d use his super skills to crash through doors, twist arms and finally get to big brother, and twist his arm, “Who sent you? Tell me, who sent you??!”
Now I had to slip this guy in. Wentworth Miller. You may remember him for his role as my-girlfriend-won’t-pick-up-her-phone-because-she-is-watching Scoffield in prison break. We’ll only have him in the house on the first day. Then he’ll break out. Then the rest of his BBA experience will be spent running around South Africa.
Thank you, Sleek. …but first hang on you guys, I’m not going to just going to sit here looking cool and collected, like I have nothing to contribute. Who do I look like? Mya??
Coming in from Nigeria is Chamillionaire.
That’s right, Chamillionaire is a Naija Boy (tell’em) and he hasn’t done anything substantial in a while, which means this should be right along his alley. In any case, it’s about time the Big brother had someone with talent in there, right? On the plus side, even if Tartyana happened to be there, you know dude won’t be taking any of her cool aid. He told you he won’t be caught riding dirty. Also, if he doesn’t win, the Nigerians will likely rally behind their boy and give him loadsa cash… sourced from your email no doubt.
My boy Yacob ditched BBA and made Ethiopians look like wimps. So who do we have stepping up to the plate? Who dares prowl where Yacob wouldn’t crawl? It’s the man, the legend, Meles tha Menace!!
We couldn’t afford Sherman Hemsley, so we settled for the knock off. Also, this guy packs a punch; he’s been the head of the Tigrayan Peoples’ Liberation Front since 1985 and you don’t see his people up in arms on the streets yelling “twakowa”. Actually, you can see how his participation in BBA will be a good thing. If his people are tired of him, he will have gone peacefully, if they aren’t, he will represent his country…as-if.
Uganda’s other contestant is Margla the Burglar. She is in no way related to up and comer pornstar Murglar the Gurgler, but she may be a local artist.
When we put her name forward the panel was in shock, wondering what had happened to us. What had swayed the odds in her favour, something that was an even bigger deal when we revealed that she was not Murgler the Gurgler. For once and for all, let’s clear the air. Let us explain forthwith what made her a great candidate for this shindig. BBA contestants get to be driven. Margla, we suspect has never been allowed into a car…or onto a boda boda.
First hang on, there is a legend missing. Did the law finally catch up with The Streetsider? Before y’all go wagging self righteous fingers at me and saying that’s something that could be dealt with easily for a couple of bucks, know this, THE STREETS DOESN’T PART WITH MONEY. Not for offertory, not for his drinks and not for his haircut. He pulls each strand out himself… with a set of tongs…
Coming in last I think, but definitely not least, I am a beast, I squirm and twist. Yeah yeah, writers block and all that ish, has me rhyming I can’t resist, I can’t desist, I know you are pissed but cant we just co-exist?
F**khead. BBA. Focus.
I nominate president Bingu Wa Mutharika of Malawi. If this article is anything to go by, nigga has jokes. We could do with a little humor in the house to you know… clear the air.
Second nomination, I nominate Goo-go-Ga. A Neanderthal, from the Pleistocene era. Presenting in the flesh and hide Goo-go-Ga himself.
Goo (as he prefers to be called) considers himself to be a free spirit. He likes being one with nature, meditating on the nature of the universe while munching on a psychedelic mushroom or two. While many may consider him dull and non conversational, he says he is confident he will be a hit with the ladies considering that he has been practicing his libido laden fertility dances every Tuesday and Thursday for the past year. His special talent is picking fleas out of armpit hair.
Third nomination goes to Dysentery. I think dysentery will add dash, drama and dynamism to the events in the house. I have a strong suspicion, call it a premonition even (my great aunt twice removed was a seer. The evil eye glances on me favorably. I have the sight. I even wear specs) that President Bingu and Dysentry will be in cahoots throughout their stay in the house.
My fourth nominee needs be female. I nominate from Uganda, the country with the hottest women (anti all this heat) in the Interlacustrine region; the peerless pearl of them all. Her Magnificence, Angela Katatumba. Damn!! she makes me want to go and mistreat myself.
Aaaaaand that’s a wrap. Now we just sit back and wait. Will those of DStv just allow or will we get the usual run of the mill contestants that are not even worth an old shoe… That’s it ladies and gentiles, I’ve been your host for this little thing of ours, peace and love in Egypt – Ivan