So Who Should Represent In The Next Big Brother House?

By • Feb 7th, 2011 • Category: Features

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re far too kind. You could have been anywhere in the world right now, but you are here with us. We appreciate that. Seriously, with what’s going on in the country; politics and all that banter, you are here.

Instead of scrutinizing a bunch of wannabes trapped in the August House, sucking up to some all-powerful speaker with the hopes of walking away with sacks of cash, you are here, analyzing a bunch of wannabes that will be trapped in a house sucking up to a faceless entity hoping to walk away with sacks of cash…welcome to the bother that is Big Brother.

The selection process, as you can imagine, was as intense as watching two virgins seeking each other’s cherries, but by darn, we got it.

Selecta, bring out the Ernest, track 01…

As the first member of this panel to arrive at the allotted venue, I have the great distinction of being the one to nominate the Egyptian housemate.

My first nominee for the Better Big Brother Africa Six housemate is Hosni Mubarak from Egypt. He will make a great choice because he is soon to be unemployed, and indeed unemployable, when you consider the circumstances under which he will have lost his job. He will have nothing to do for ages, so he might as well go to the BBA house. Besides, there are many people who would like to have him locked up under constant surveillance.

My second nominee is from Zambia. He is a musician from Lusaka named Michael Zulu. He was formerly known as St Michael and was a rocko artist in that area, but not for long. According to the Lusaka Times, he was “recently convicted on drug trafficking charges and later ordered to do community work”. He’s an ex-drug dealer turned musician. Like Jay-Z. That alone is reason for me to nominate him. Z-to-the-Uzzo, L-to-the-uzzay.

But he has experience moving narcotics, so I am sure this will make him a valued member of the Big Brother Community. No one will ever nominate their dealer for eviction. The Lusaka Times also reported that he wants to stand for parliament. I don’t know if Zambians are crazy enough to elect a convicted felon to office, but if he wants to enter a house, there is one in South Africa.

That's Michael Zulu! That's him! Yes sir, am sure! That's the guy!

From Sudan I nominate Malok Deng. You don’t know the name now, but you will if my nomination works and he actually enters the house because then he will be the first Actual Freaking Prophet to Contest and therefore WIN Big Brother.

Yes, prophet. Yes, win.

Malok is currently a pastor in a church in Nashville Tennesse (that’s in America. It’s where you find Carrie Underwood and people like her. Country singers whining about their man done did them wrong etc) In Nashville he practices religion such as interpreting Isaiah 18 as meaning that the referendum to split the Sudan will come to pass.

He can see the future. He reads the bible and can see the future. He will always know who is going to nominate him and just get them out of the way and in this way win BB. Malok for the money.

Yo. Malok prophesied that you'd be looking for him and ran. He left me to represent. Warrup?

Oh na-na, what’s his name? Don’t know, don’t care. But watch this space ladies and gentlemen, it’s the real deal, we ain’t dishing out any malok-oso here. What’s that? BBA has more than three contestants… Okay, let’s flip this thing to track 33. Erique, ssula endongo!

And as the second member to arrive, I earn the privilege of nominating the Ivorian Costinian (Ivory Coastian? What are those people called?) housemate.

I nominate incumbent ex-president Laurent Gbagbo from Ivory Coast. Once he hears about his ULK nomination, he will refuse to leave the nominee seat even if someone else is nominated. True winning spirit. The other nominee will just have to enjoy the nomination from a hotel. Gbagbo be’s a ninja like that. His name is not a multi-consonant twister for nothing. He treats his opponents like the first letter of his name. They just don’t matter.

He WILL enter the Big Brother house and WILL win the money. Especially if there’s another winner. That other winner will just have to wait in a hotel as Mr. G bags-bos the money and sends the empty briefcase to the hotel with a Valentine’s note: “You rigged the voting process, you bastard. Love, Ninja.”

My second nominee is Gilbert Bukenya from Togo. What, well of course I know he’s not from Togo. I know my chemistry, okay? I am a Legend. And this is ULK. We make the rules. They don’t make us.

Why did I place him in Togo? Well, apart from his constant involvement in social sagas best described by the Baganda as katogo (the food that’s not sure what it wants to be when it grows up), this guy is as politically scarce as Togo. Does anyone here even know who Togo is? I’ll tell you. It’s that masked guy from Navio’s video.

He’ll keep a low profile in the Big Brother house and only come out when they announce him as winner. Then you’ll all be like “What the! Who is this guy?” and Big Brother will be like “He’s the Vice-President of Togo. Y’all didn’t know?”

And from Zimbabwe I nominate the ever jolly Excellency Robert Mugabe. Here’s what will happen.

He’ll be told about his exciting nomination…

Congratulations, sir! You've been nominated.

He’ll work hard to win…

Am winning am winning am winning

And yippy he’ll win…

Yay me!

(Editor’s note: We have asked around and confirmed that Gilbert Bukenya is NOT Enygma. . .but he may be ATLAS or GNL. Repeat, the veepee is NOT ENYGMA…or BEBE COOL)

Whoa, things are getting heated here. It’s hotter than a Chilli Gals’ dressing room, nanti they don’t have AC.

Kati let’s first cool down while the other potent contestants are distilled…

End of part one

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