The Urban Legend How To Guide: How to Fiddle With Your Computer

By • Feb 4th, 2011 • Category: WTH

Welcome to the Urban Legend How To Guide. Twelve Steps to Success in Almost Anything At All. This time we tackle the question of computers. This is How To Upgrade Your Computer From Windows XP to Windows 7

  1. You know what happens when you call IT and tell them that you need something done on your computer? They ask you if the computer is on. It’s the first thing they will tell you to do. So that’s what we shall start with. Switch on the computer.
  2. Now, you need to be forearmed with some background information. You must know what these things are. Windows biki? Windows XP and Windows 7 are not exotic varieties of beans, man. They are Operating Systems. An Operating System is a set of codes and electronic instructions that control the way the magic elves inside the computer run around fetching internets and painting them on your screen for you to see.
  3. Of course I’m kidding. You and I are both aware that there is no reason to understand what goes on inside the computer. That’s what IT is for.
  4. Now, calling IT is not an easy task. IT people over the recent past have come to overtake lawyers as the most maligned profession. They are despised and scorned by pretty much everyone who is not them, and this makes them jittery and defensive. They feel like they are always being pushed into a corner, so this makes them also dangerous.
  5. I would like to state for the record, once again, that not all IT people are snorting, slimy, serpentine sociopaths. Just most of them. Some of them are nice. But not nice enough to tell their friends to stop being assholes, so the problem perpetuates itself and we have a vicious cycle of evil spinning out of the IT department.
  6. So be careful.
  7. Is there a hot woman around? If you are in an office, I hope one or more of your colleagues is a hot woman. If you don’t have any (i.e. you work at Uganda Police) you can always borrow from a phone company or a bank.
  8. Feel free to drag a hot unemployed chick off the streets and give her the opportunity to make something useful of herself, instead of just loitering around town in her jeans causing traffic accidents. My bodaboda guy almost killed me the other day.
  9. Get her to make the phone call. Now, your IT personnel may not be all guys. There might be women on the team. If one of the women answers, abort plan and just continue using XP. You can live without Windows 7.
  10. If a dude picks up, tell the chick to say it’s her computer. She doesn’t even have to sound that flirtatious or seductive. As long as she sounds female, you are good.
  11. Collect your computer from her after she has collected it from IT after they have upgraded the Operating System with new magic elves.
  12. There is supposed to be a 12th step, but we are actually done. So here. Number 12, always buy computers from a reputable dealer.

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  • Steviejamesug

    but IT should know they are just support staff :)