Monday Massacres: Super-hero Message

By • Jan 31st, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

Superman woke with a start. He run into the shower and was out in a second. Too fast. He dressed up and put on his spectacles. He didn’t particularly like wearing spectacles but he didn’t want his workmates at the Daily Planet , a newspaper he worked for, to recognize him when he eventually changed into tight pants and wore his underwear on top of his trousers. He usually wore these with a body-hugging top that had an ‘S’ on the chest. He didn’t like the outfit but he wore it whenever he had to save lives and to fight crime.

He walked to his table, made of re-enforced steel, and sat down to have some cereal for breakfast. He quickly mixed the milk, sugar and cereal. Time to dig in. Yummy! Just as the first spoon of his breakfast made its assent to his mouth, he heard a distant cry, “Help save Kitty. Please save Kitty.”

In a flash, clad in his saving-the-world outfit, he was next to the wailing lady. Her cat, Kitty, was stuck in a tree. He looked up and there it sat, pale and scared sh*tless. Ohhhhh, his heart went out to it. He thought super-fast. “Must save cat. Must. Save. Cat.” He reached deep into his underwear and pulled out a stone (for that’s why  he wore the underwear on-top, to carry gadgets and whatnot. He had no time to be carrying around a big bag). He hurled the stone at Kitty. The stone hit Kitty smack on the head. “Bull’s eye!!” Superman shrieked. Kitty tumbled out of the tree, straight into Superman’s hands. He handed the convulsing fluff to the formerly-shrieking lady and went to pick up his stone. It was a soft, squishy stone, incapable of causing damage. Kitty was merely convulsing because of joy of being back on the ground. Down to earth. The relieved lady invited Superman for breakfast “and other things”.

“Superman dear, now that you’ve put the bulge back in the pants (pointing at his stone), would you care to join me for some breakfast and other things? (wink wink)”

“No, I have to get going ma’am. Give the other things to Jesse over there (pointing at a young man riding a bike towards them)”

There's more underneath. I swear.

He rushed back to have his cereal. Just as he lifted the spoon to his mouth, his super-ear picked up a distant cry for help. “Somebody help me. Anybody. Pleeaasee hellop me.” From the intonation, he instantly knew he had a Ugandan on his hands. He put down the spoon and flew immediately. He found his arch enemy, Lex Luther, just about to take over a huge chunk of land from a poor, helpless lady.

“Stop right there Lex!”

“Well well well…if it isn’t a member of the girl brigade”

“Hey, not fair. I told you it was a charity event”

“Oh ok. But this land has kryptonite. And I’m taking it. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Superman moved to stop Lex. Lex ducked and threw a chunk of kryptonite at him. It hit him square in the groin region. He bent over, in pain. He felt terribly weak and helpless and useless and all those negative things that end in ‘ess’. He felt all of them at the same time. Suddenly it all came to him. He should have taken his breakfast. He should have eaten his cereal. As he lay there dying, with Lex standing over him, grinning, he could only think of the breakfast he left un-eaten.

Children, eat your breakfast.

This message is brought to you by me. I always have my breakfast.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • savvykenya

    That’s the moral of the story? Eat breakfast?

  • Sleek

    Among several other things…world peace, global warming update, the works