Hi dear reader. Sleek here. Today another legend turns a year older. Erique. He turns 54 years old, one more year and we’ll have to kick him out, it’s in the constitution. As is the habit of us serious journalists, we took the time off to track down the teacher who gave him his first taste of success…not like that you perv! Yes, he excelled in P7, he got very high marks. We tracked her down to see what it was like dealing with a disturbed child.
(putting glass of juice down)
ULK: So what was it like teaching a Legend?
Teacher Cinderella: Urban Legend? Oh I love it so so much, I read it to the kids every morning. Especially those bits about Rachael K…I tell them, “Children” and they say “Yes Teacher Cinderella” and I say ” Children, follow your dreams but if you suck at them, we’ll notice and we’ll get us some lols” and they ask me “Teacher Cinderella, what are lols?” and I say “That’s the new jargon going round. The world has no time for typing complete things, so we write short things like lol, rotflmao, xbxxbx, etc” and then the kids ask me whether…
ULK: (interrupting) Cindy, if we may call you that, we actually wanted to know what it was like teaching a Legend…
Teacher Cinderella: Oh that..sorry, it’s this long, lush natural hair I have. It sometimes elegantly covers my ears, and it makes making out hard. Very hard.
ULK: (Blank look)
Teacher Cinderella: …making out what’s been said that is. Nothing like what you might have been thinking ULK staff-man.Yes, the Legend, he was quite some baggage. When playing Hide and Go Seek, he used to ask girls to hide him under their dresses. We banned the game altogether. He also…
ULK: (Picking up) Ani ono?
(Baz steps into the room)
I remember Teacher Cindrella. I was her lecturer at TTC.
For those of you born after liberation, TTC is Teachers Training College. It’s where teachers came from before Makerere started giving degrees in Educ.
Man, just yesterday Erique and I were out there, making money, hustling, organising how to become like Rick Ross without the general grossness (is it just me but doesn’t Rick Ross look like he is actually a card-carryng member of NAMBLA?) Anyway, Erique and I were there just plotting to make it rain, and he looked quite normal. The way he usually does. Normal, except for the thing where he blinks like a cybernetic organism. Like there are hydraulics involved in his blinking. Little did I know what shocking revelations were to emerge about him the very next day.
For example, the fact that dude was like born and stuff.
I mean, you could have knocked me down with a feather. I had to go to Teacher Cindrella and ask her if she remembered how she used to get extra marks from me when I was her lecturer and could she do it again to calm my nerves.
I think the reason Erique manages to stay so healthy and vital in spite of his advancing years is that he keeps a healthy diet. He drinks a lot of milk. Milk with his pork, milk with his beer, milk when he is climbing out of Teacher Cindrella’s bedroom window at night. (She is like that. Nuff said.)
That and the cybernetic mechanism and the hydraulics.
Anyway, I ask you to take a moment off enjoying the era of freedom and prosperity ushered in by the NRM on this day and remember that this is also the day Uganda’s first Cyborg was assembled.