We have all heard about the Zone 7 Back 2 School Volume 3 plot. This is plot you cannot afford to miss! the world is about to end! soon it will clock 2012 and Kanye West’s head will explode from too much dark apocalyptic Illuminati fueled arrogance, taking the universe with it.
So this plot, I have been hearing a lot about it, it’s on Facebook, it’s on Twitter, its (awrmagash!!) even on Urban Legend. This plot is the shizznit. But you can’t get in without uniform! Mbu!
Presenting; top ten ways to get into Zone 7 on Tuesday 25th Jan wearing whatever the frock you want.
1- Say you are allergic to khaki and cheap cotton. Say this with conviction, present a letter from your doctor to this effect. (There are forged doctor’s letters for sale here at ULK so feel free. kickass letters, forged in our well tended fires of forgery.)
2- Come with your parent. Make him/her say that you have spent all your money this Jan on school fees for your siblings, quencher and zed. Hence no money for uniform this term. Tears are mandatory, if Mzee cannot cry he will have to make do with an onion.
3- Come in your underwear and say the big bad boys from senior four took your uniform. Point at someone already inside, shout “that is the one!!” and run in.
4- Fly into Zone 7: what you do: come early- climb onto Abid’s bed- put your hands out of the ventilator as far as they will go- say Fuck Bukie- grab the wooden beam outside- twist- get stung by a spider- pull your self out- land on a heap of rotting oranges that belonged to Jed but never got round to being eaten coz he is a miser-… and trot into Zone 7 for your blast.
5- Phantom the paddi of Zone 7. Put chewing gum inside the padlock. They will have to break it. Then they cannot lock anybody out and we can enter Zone 7 and eat sugar mixed with toothpaste and peanut butter to our hearts content.
6- Steal a traffic policeman’s uniform and say you are from Mwiri. Blacken your face first or they won’t believe you.
7- Come dressed in an oversized sweatshirt, three finger gold rings, saggy pants, oversized boots and a lump on your forehead. You can say you are from the School Of Hard Knocks.
8- Come in that slinky school girl outfit you use to get your kink on. Then sew a Gayaza school badge on it. Sew the badge on upside down because as everyone knows, that’s the way to sew on a Gayaza school badge.
9- Say you went to school in outside countries, a country where they do not wear a uniform to school. Say you went to school in Milan, or Paris or Djibouti. Force an accent. The intrepid souls at Hot 100 can show you how.