Many times we’ve fallen prey to the indomitable feeling called love. And many times that feeling has landed us in shit. Literally.
Like you accidentally step on a bored muck of cow dung chilling just there by the roadside coz you’re lost in thought about how you’re going to impress that campus chic waiting for you at Garden City.
Well, she insisted that campus chics for them they like to be taken out to Garden City, regardless of the occasion. And you heeded. And now you’re in shit.
But we’re not here to talk about your shit. We’re here to talk about that feeling that got you into shit. Which begs the all-encompassing question fundamental to man’s existential verve; “What if my girlfriend was a zombie?”
I’m sure many of you have asked yourselves this countless times and failed to come up with a logical answer. Then gut-wrenching fear washed down your throat and, in tears, you wondered why mummy’s number was taking too long to go through.
Calm down. No need to panic. This author has comprehensively studied zombies and their entire way of life to the molecule for ages. In summary, he has watched many zombie movies. So trust him.
1. Commonsense may tell you that the best way to deal with the fear is by killing your girlfriend and living happily ever after. But it’s wrong. It’s always wrong otherwise you wouldn’t be dating her in the first place. If it were right, you would be, like me, dating Scarlett Johansson. Every night.
2. Zombies don’t like dying (duh!) so if you kill her, you’ll just annoy her and she’ll come back as a double zombie.
3. When you’re in bed and she’s looking at you longingly with those droopy eyes like she wants every bit of you, it’s not because she loves you.
4. And sentences like “I wanna eat you, baby” are not sex talk.
5. It’s probably wise to avoid sex altogether.
6. Stick to hanging out but don’t take her to the movies especially if a horror is showing. She might get ideas.
7. Don’t let her look at Sematimba posters. She might get ideas.
8. Don’t tell her she looks ugly. She’ll only take it as a compliment and love you more.
9. So she loves you for your brains. That’s not a compliment. Try hard to hide them as far away from her as you can. Or just make them diminish gradually. Joining government would be a good way to do it.
10. Just kill her. The important thing is I am safe.