Monday Massacres: La Tortura

By • Jan 17th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

Proudly brought to you by the indecently awesome…

HIM: Hi there

HER: Giggle. Giggle.

HIM: You know, when you actually think about it… (Long diatribe on life and the futility of trying to find an all-encompassing definition of success in life)

HER: Giggle. Giggle. Squeak. Giggle.

HIM: But whichever way you look at it, the fact is…(heated exchange between left side of brain and right side of brain on why war and social strife are here to stay)

HER: Giggle. Giggle.

HIM: And what really riles me is how many people do not know that…(gives account of how zinjathropus and his ilk had the ability to do bad manners without touching each other; just by thinking it)

HER: Giggle. Giggle.

HIM: You know if a sheep had a 2-word vocabulary it’d come off more intelligent than you…

HER: Giggle. Giggle

HIM: You know, I once had a dream about this situation…only thing is then, your part was played by an old, recently-castrated raccoon.

HER: Giggle. Giggle. (Reaches for glass of water)

HIM: Have you watched television lately?

HER: (coming to life) OMG OMG OMG!! (Puts down glass of water) My God!! Have you watched ‘La Tor ela mor oula monte nigger diable santo esta suck noche balls’? OMG OMG!!  (Eyes growing bigger with each syllable)  It’s tooootaaalllyy awesome!! It’s this great soap on television. (Clutching table cloth) It begins with this damsel, Maria big Sante bust Clara, (spitting out each name with precise pronunciation) she’s super hot, but also super jealous right from the beginning. She is so jealous, her hotness cannot be seen. She is in love with Santo suck noche Pablo (draws out the ‘suck’ name). He is soo totally awesome. Whenever he comes onto the screen, they play this special song…

(Breaks into song)

It’s way cool. Way cool (Stops clutching table cloth). But Santo suck noche Pablo is in love with Ortega. Now don’t be fooled by the name, Ortega is a girl. True story.  Ortega is not a guy, no no no…

I could swear I saw your lips saying something else, my darling este mucho la amor.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people