Every Man Wants Me

By • Jan 11th, 2011 • Category: Letters To The Editor

Legendary Editor,

My name is power. No, not electricity. He’s my distant cousin on my parent’s side. I am the sexy girl who has stolen every African president’s heart and other parts. And I’m proud of it. Because am sexy and beautiful and pretty and hot and fly.

But that’s not why I wrote. It wasn’t to tell you how sexy and beautiful and pretty and hot and fly I am. I just hate it when people unfairly call me a continental whore. Others just flat out call me Bukenya. That’s cruel. I’m not the one who hits on myself. Those who want me hit on me, I say yes and they stay with me coz I give them something their women will never give them.

You think Kibaki didn’t want to break up with me? He did. But then he thought of spending the rest of his life with the Lucy, he shuddered and ran back to me. Poor thing. Kagame. I briefly flirted with one of his gay rivals and she was arrested. That’s how good our sex was.

Mugabe. Oh, that bad bad baaad wolf. I don’t think I need to explain why he keeps dozing even when he’s walking. Gbago. My new West African catch. Friends kept telling me he wasn’t the right man for me but already he’s willing to die for me. That’s real love. I feel so bad about cheating on him with Ouattara but the dude is sexy. You wouldn’t blame a girl. Besides, Gbagbo is a weird name. Imagine being called Mrs. Gbagbo. Eew!

Museveni. Now this one is nasty. He’s my favourite too mostly coz he gives me his all. When I’m with him, he cares for no one and nothing else. I like keeping him in bed for hours (years even) coz man does he like a bumpy ride (wink wink). He likes it when I whisper “another term” while we’re at it. It makes him feel special and yellowy. I’m sorry, Janet.

I also sincerely apologize to every family I’ve broken up, every life I’ve destroyed in the name of satisfying my fetishes and every country I’ve torn apart coz of my selfish desires. But damn it am sexy and beautiful and pretty and hot and fly. Choke on it.

Power.

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