Good afternoon and welcome to the year um… two thousand and twelve or whatever. I am not sure. I’ve just come off long and heavily inebriated holiday and the faculty in the head that manages issues concerning mathematics is yet to return to full operational capacity.
Don’t judge me. Shyaa. As if you spent Christmas drinking Safi. I even saw you. Some of you were drinking Romis. Who drinks Romis. That is not a question. Don’t even answer it. If you drink Romis go to naughty corner.
But this is not a time to dwell on the past.
Well, actually it is. It’s time for us to look back on the year gone by. Whichever year that was. Two thousand and something I think.
Now, I am going to change the tone of this intro by introducing some vigourous language. We are ****king going to break it down and ****ing unleash the ****ing Urban Legend Fucking Awards right now!
Yo, Ivan! First Bring track number one. Nalumans!
This was a long time coming, but hey… it has, like a pervert in Owino, come. Urban Legend ****ing Awards
The Bolt Like Usain Award
With lots of consideration, this one was taken by Pastor Martin Ssempa who showed he could talk the talk and run the run when the homosexuality allegations went to bust. No sooner had the case against Kayanja been dropped than our man Martin fled like his **** was on fire. We salute you Ssempa.
The Put Your Mouth Where My Eyes Can’t See Award
This one was won by Iryn Namubiru who managed to close the year by closing a politician’s mouth with hers. Every so often we find ourselves thinking, man, I wish that guy would keep his mouth shut. Granted it’s usually in reference to Nsaba Buturo, but Iryn took matters into her own mouth and silenced the VP for once and for all…for a bit anyway.
The Give & Take Forex Bureau Award
The winner of this award was supposed to take the Bolt like Usain award as well, but when it came to our attention that he had raided all the forex bureaus in Kampala to make a point, we just had to give props to Michael “life’s too bright” Ezra. After giving Ugandans a show of financial might and a taste of drama, Michael decided to take security organs and the URA for a ride, taunting them every step of the way, thus; oba onkwata nkwata, oba tonkwata nkwata.
The Eats Meets Waste Award
This one goes to the unfortunate cow that was slaughtered so that Lady Gaga could have an outfit. No, it wasn’t for the leather, seeing as that is like so… normal. On the contrary, Gaga decided she wanted to have beef. And some stupid tailor cum butcher was only too happy to acquiesce. Fare thee well cow.
Thank you. That was Ivan, who is well known throughout Ntinda for perpetrating genocide on TV Chickens.
But Mike Ezra also. You visit Nasser Road and do some colour-copying, mostly of Monopoly dollar bills (We have seen Trickstars. We know how this works) and then show up on TV grinning like that rapper Plies? Bitch, your DSTv had been off for eight months. You have been beeping on Pakalast. Your girlfriend told us that she was tired of using those free Lifeguards you collect from hotel bathrooms. And you are here trying to fool us?
Now, before I turn you over to my other esteemed colleague, please allow me to give one ULFA to a very special woman.
The Woman Of The Year
Scarlett Johannssen. Iron Man 2 rocked so far beyond what was geologically anticipated that I have to mention Black Widow.
And now that they have finished sanitizing the environment, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage…. The Ancient Darkness himself. Streetsider!
The ancient darkness hath brought it.
The Creation of Colossal Maalo Award
Goes to the solar eclipse for generating obscene amounts of maalo. The maalo that thing generated could have powered an NRM concert, sorry… rally. And also, for the first time in my history, calling my boss in the morning to say I was going to be late to work because of the eclipse was justified. Before he would just say, “What eclipse?”
The Wave Along Award
Goes to K’naan for waving his flag. That was some epically moving s**t! It made me think of Shaka Zulu growing up. It made me think of struggling slum kids with a dream to change the world. It made me think of slaves fighting to the death for freedom. If that song had been released some forty years ago, there would have been no apartheid. He waved and we here in UG waved along. Then his Somali cousins came…and it was no waving matter.
The Irrelevant But Impressing Trivia From Around The World Award
Goes to the Burj Khalifa in Dubai for being the tallest building in the world as of January 4th. Kudos are in order, that building tried really hard. Do you know how much spinach you have to eat to grow to be close to a kilometer tall? You people are in jokes.
The Leak It Now, Leak It Good. Leak It Just Like You Should Award
Goes to Julian Assange. First he leaked it. Then haters claimed he licked it. Haters brought allegations of “sex by surprise” on this poor soldier. They claimed he lured two women into a room, then without any warning or provocation, pulled sex out of a bag and hurled it at them. One of the women claims the sex nearly broke a tooth. The other says it grazed her brow and nearly took off an ear. who cares, dude pissed off the whole US government and disorganized the world media for several days. Dude doesn’t f**k f**k around. Wait… I guess he does.
Streetsider is the bane of law enforcement agencies the world over. Do you know where the world’s highest crime rate is? In Streets. But we are glad that due to his wily ways he has managed to stay a step ahead of the sheriff’s departments and succeeded in joining us today. As he leaves to perform at yet another shoot-out, let me open this envelope and release just one more International Affairs Award.
Man Of The Year (Beeping Category)
Reports, delivered through gales of tears, came through informing us that people were still lining up to buy tickets to enter the concert venue even after R was already done. The boy had already said goodnight and was on his way back to the hotel room where some Tiina-Tine-looking chicks were waiting for him with a towel and some strong soap (so as to clean up afterwards). Twelve odd minutes of singing and he said, “Y’all been a great audience Kimparlour! Guhnight!”. It was only fitting that the show was sponsored by a telephone company, considering how severely you all got beeped.
Now, let us turn our heads to this bright light shining from my monitor. My Windows XP Security Patch is going crazy. Have you ever seen a window’s warning that says “Holy Shit, nfudde nze?” It can mean only one thing. Ladies, activate your diaphrams, for here comes
Senks senks Mr. MC. Here goes:
The No Shit Award
As you can imagine, this was quite a difficult award to get a winner for. I mean, there sits Nsaba Buturo doing his work everyday, taking no shit, giving no shit, ready to sweep the accolade. But no, out of nowhere, ThatWomanAtTheMTNMarathon swoops in and grasps the award with her butt cheeks. She then runs off, high on the award. No shit. Seriously. She trots over to the Noshit runner-up, Bebe Cool and gives him a pat on the back. And they hug. And they spend the rest of the day staring into each other’s eyes, only breaking eye contact to high five. Shit be tight like that.
The Balls Gone Wild Award
This was a no-brainer. Tiger, also known as Woods, he took this. But we know that the man is going through a lot, so we won’t dwell on this. With a name like ‘Tiger Woods’, we ought to have expected a wild side. Coco finger, we are watching you. The close runner-up here is that PresidentialCandidateWithoutAName. You know he’s there, you just don’t know his name. Well he is called Lubega. Lou-bega if you like. He is the man behind hits like ‘I got a girl’ and ‘Mambo No. 5’. You may not believe in his political muscle, but the man has swag. And girls. ‘…A little bit of Monica, a little bit of Jessica, a little bit of Tina….’. UG, the land of singing presidential candidates.
The I Need To Take A Dump Award
Drake. He needs to loosen his collar. And then take a dump. But we couldn’t call it ‘Loosen my collar and take a dump award’. Even we have standards. But he still sings. Maybe he secretly wants to get with Charlize Theron. Sorry man, I already interviewed her. And I didn’t have to sing first.
That was Sleek, whose bid has been endorsed by his fellow candidates Beti Kamya, Abed Bwanika and J. Kazoora. He pledges to fight with corruption. As in he will use it as a weapon to defeat his enemies. Speaking of Kazoora, here is…
The People’s Choice Award.
It goes to Buddiez, his bar, to which everybody went in 2010. If you snobbed Buddiez, you are the only one. Everybody else went there. Security forces know that that is probably where Ezra is. Even Kibwetere.
Now please remove all metal objects and step through the scanner and try not to giggle when the guard touches your privates. We need to secure the premises for the entrance of Erique!
I’m very polited, Mr. Baz.
And now to present the awards harvested from that place where all father awards gather to make pornography with mistress awards:
The Filthy Rich Bugs Are Buying Real Estate In The East Award
Educated and accomplished jiggers met in Switzerland (renamed Jinja after World War II. ULK sells books with this info in Aristoc) and decided that the most lucrative business of the year was to buy land in Busoga. They got all their kids from the different mothers and settled on thousands of (no, it wasn’t measured in acres) feet of land.
The Evil Evil Go Away I Dare You To Come Back Another Year Award
She was abducted, given a microphone and ordered to send a warning message to all other Mexican aliens who dared to cross the US border into earth. (Because the movies say that when evil people cross the American border or the earth’s atmosphere, the entire world or America will be destroyed. So we must all fight to prevent the cataclysmic loss of American and maybe other lives.) The warning message was such a massive hit that many other warning messages were recorded thereafter. Thank you, Justin Beiber. You saved us from evil aliens. Save for Rick Ross.
The My Thing Is Smaller Than Yours Award
Normally, when two cocks are fighting over a chick (like when the hens are now old and ugly), or a pussycat (like when the chicks have also grown old and ugly), they tend to compare the bigness of their things (or egos, if you prefer). This time it was about comparing the smallness. The smaller one’s thing, the bigger his status in society. Warid said I have only 5cm (of ego). Then MTN, Zain, UTL and Orange said shya! Where? For us we have less than 5cm. Then Warid re-circumsized and came down to 3cm. And now they sit there with their bloody knives staring at each other with daring looks. We wait.
The My Buttock Is A Registered Voter Award
Mr. Nasser Ntege Ssebaggala scampered onto the stage without his behind. Official story? He had left it on NRM where it had gone to get a party membership card. You say your president can rap, I say my mayor’s bum can vote. Score one for me.
And with that ladies and gentlemen, we put the year 2023 (or whatever) to rest. I hope you have all learnt your lesson and that the mistakes of the past shall never be repeated. Now, let us put that year behind us. Let us never speak of this abomination again. Oh, wait. I have one
To Jay-Z the most prolific ghostwriter in hip hop for penning the ill dope rhymes that came to be known as Mpenkoni, Mpenkoni. And with that, later folks. For us we are off to recruit covergirls.