New Al-Shabaab entrant, Ibn Al Mujahidin Rakr Al Bomba Munahijina Yakayaka Haina Hassan Al Hahaha was last night heavily caned, kicked, spat on and ordered to walk all the way to and mop the Al Shabaab Preparatory Day & Boarding SSS girls’ dormitory as punishment for missing a golden opportunity to kill even one infidel during the new year celebrations.
Al Shabaab Head of Religious Operations Abuu Mansuur Mathafkr Wahabin Ilala Farook Ali Fakoff expressed utmost disappointment over the sloppiness of the new kid. “Obusiru! In Shabaab that means God wants us to live because others shouldn’t. That’s why He created us. But now it’s very clear that Ibn Al Mujahidin Rakr Al Bomba Munahijina Yakayaka Haina Hassan Al Hahaha doesn’t respect God,” he cried.
“Look. Look at all this meat astagafurahi!” he blurted while showing our reporter pictures of throngs of people at Kisementi. “All of them eagerly waiting to be massacred but in vain. I’m sure they were disappointed too. Am even being lenient with Ibn Al Mujahidin Rakr Al Bomba Munahijina Yakayaka Haina Hassan Al Hahaha. If they saw this boy, they’d probably just kill him.”
However, the leader of Al Shabaab’s parent company, Al Qaeda’s Osama Bin Laden preached forgiveness because he was still filled with the Christmas spirit. “The fact that he’s a suicide bomber yet he’s still alive should be punishment enough. It’s very torturing I tell you. Now the 72 virgins will go to someone else. And I hear God upgraded them to 73, so yeah. The fool misses out on free boobies.”