You came here looking for Ernest? The charming dapper gentleman who brings you such joy and mirth and hospital bills for cracked ribs every other day? Sorry! Ernest is not here. He’s getting laid. Like an egg. This is what I found on my desk when I came in this morning in that guy’s unholy scrawl (the letters look like they are in various stages of undress)
Streets!! TOP TEN!! ( egg moment … :))
So here I am. Slightly high. On oxygen. Chilling in the office, thinking of Nicki Minaj’s left breast. I unlike most of Nicki M’s aficionados prefer the left boob to the right one. I think it has more character.
Anyway I have been… what’s the word? (Requested?)To write this Top Ten for the Bazman. Presenting, the top ten ways to guarantee the destruction of everyday boredom in the office;-
Here goes nothing. (Or here comes everything, think yin yang email).
1- Solitaire. This one is a staple. Even your dad played solitaire in those days. He just used a typewriter.
2- Jerk off. Strangle the bishop. Bleed the snake. Polish the banana. Use Crown Wank as opposed to the more common Stem Job. It’s much better for the office. This is for the guys; chicks generally don’t face a problem here. In fact they do it all the time.
3- Get a pet cockroach. Keep him in a shoe box. Name him after the boss. Get him a facebook page. Update regularly.
4- Buy a rolex, eat the veera and throw away the rolex. (This one is very effective by the way. Your stomach will keep you occupied in strange, strange ways.)
6- Develop a prank a day mentality. You could go for something simple, like addressing your workmates using names of cartoon characters from the 90s. Or you could go for the evil and, devious, like secretly making weed brownies and leaving them lying around the office.
7- Start a thumb wrestling tournament during the lunch break. Complete with standings, scores and statistics. You could really go far with this.
8- Start bets on who will blink first.
9- Give Solitaire another try.
10- Get fired.