Yes, we do rock. Now, can we have an interview? Is that cool with you?
Of course. Privilege is mine. Let me first adjust myself. I am currently dictating to my sexy half-Asian half-African American video Vixen slash personal assistant from my solid gold jacuzzi while wearing platinum speedos. It’s luxurious, but it’s not kind on the gonads.
Please sir. Adjust away. And hi Vixen slash PA.
So Mr Zuckerberg, you have had a good 2010. A movie was made about you and you were voted Man of The Year by the prestigious Time Magazine.
That, Mr Bazanye, is how I rolls.
Let’s start with the movie. Word is that you were not entirely happy with the way you were portrayed. Is it because you were portrayed as a massive, tremendous douche, a ludicrously repugnant person, a thoroughly charmless prick, a completely incorrigible turd, an unequivocally rotten bastard…
Wait. I’m not finished. A fully accomplished asshole, the kind of monster who makes Kanye West say, “Mssschhhhwwww.”?
I could go on, but you get the point.
Well, actually, no. I’m not upset by my portrayal, because I really am a humongous dick. But my concern is, I was there being Man of The Year material. Why didn’t Justin Timberlake play ME?
By the way Timberlake owned acting in that movie by the way.
I know, right?
Dude, I even had to stop calling him Limbertick.
Why would you call him Limbertick?
Cos I’m just a hater, you see?
And hater’s gon hate, right?
Correct. Ernest Bazanye likes this. But it didn’t stop you from going on to claim your crown as Man of The Year according to Time Magazine, an accolade that has previously been bestowed upon world leaders and scientists etc.
True. I rule.
Is there any monetary value attached to this prize, or is it like a PAM Award?
To tell you the truth Mr Bazanye, I am so rich that even if they wired me a fat cash prize, I wouldn’t notice.
Man, you should teach me how to become rich from having a website. Nga I’m still broke.
But your site is pretty cool. In time you might also be wearing drawers made of precious metals and dictating interviews to Video Vixens. But speaking of Urban Legend, who is this Rachel K you guys keep talking about? Is she hot? Can she take dictation? I might have a job for her.
I would pass on the message, but I’m scared of her.
What? Nti if she sees you she will drop kick you for trash talking her on your site?
Or even worse. She will sing at me. Now, Mr Zuckerberg, we know there is an official Mark Zuckerberg facebook profile, but tell us the truth. Do you also have like an incognito other profile? Just tell us.
Well, between the two of us, I do. I go by the name of Solomon King.
You just won our Cramption Crampetition, right?
Yup. Who’s da Man of The Year! Right here!
Mr Zuckerberg,word limit has arrived. Time to go. Thanks for talking to us. And thanks to Rhonda, your PA, for typing. One final question. When are we getting those Dislike buttons?
Don’t worry. I’m working on it.
No, you’re not. You are sitting in a gold jacuzzi wearing platinum speedos.
Hah hah! You’re right! I’m way too rich to bother.
Can you at least enforce spellchecking on Facebook? Because people have jammed to write the words in full.
Are you one of those people who throw fits when someone writes in sms shorthand?
Yup. Totally am.
Then you are a bigger prick than me.
Really? That can only mean one thing. I’m going to be loaded!
Liking this article is what happens to cool people