Julian Assange’s Case Demystified

By • Dec 16th, 2010 • Category: Features

You know Julian Assange? Non? Of course you do.  But a pic wouldn’t hurt.

Julian Assange

You also know about WikiLeaks? Of course of course…after all you are swanky, savvy, debonair and all those things. Julian was arrested last week. He was accused of “sex by surprise” or “unexpected sex.” Now I am not so good with such technical legal terms, so rather than snigger away and make all sorts of sexual innuendo jokes, I sought out legal counsel. Heavy research. I went to the all-knowing sage. The law brain of all law brains. The one they all turn to when a case is in murky waters. The rainmaker whom that writer who writes law novels wrote about. Dunstan Teeka.

I found him casually flipping through an Almanac. He is too busy for pleasantries.

ULK: So Dunstan, I’m sure you’ve been keenly following the WikiLeaks drama.

(Flips to the next page)

ULK: (Clears throat) So, what exactly is “sex by surprise” or “unexpected sex”?

(Dunstan comes alive. Too alive. Either it was the prospect of spewing legal mumbo jumbo or the word ‘sex’. Rather old to be excited by the latter, my thoughts. At his age, the word ‘sex’ and ‘blue pills’ should be in the same sentence to cause any excitement)

Dunstan: There are several actions that are criminal offences under the “sex by surprise” or “unexpected sex” law. (Takes off spects, rolls up his sleeves)

(Reading from the constitution)If party A is in a room, chilling with his jollies exposed and party B, say young, buxom, overly-curved, luscious (trails off…)…yes, party B opens the door and walks in and slips on something, say a banana peel, and due to the slip, party B falls on the aforementioned exposed jollies of party A, this is sex by surprise of the 3rd degree.

(Putting the book down to explain) So you see young man, if you left your member exposed, and a lady walks in and slips, and falls on it, that is unexpected sex. Yes yes, it surely is.

ULK: So is that what happened to Julian Assange?

Dunstan: (like he didn’t hear the question)

(Reading from the book) If two people lie together and early the next morning, very very early, one of them wakes up and does the jungle boogy with the other one while that other one is still in deep asleep (sic), that is unexpected sex of the 2nd degree.

(Still reading) If it is someone’s birthday and they have forgotten, and then you have sex with them and after both of you have come to fruition, you yell “Surprise!!”, that is surprise sex in the 1st degree.

(Still reading) And if you are at a popular shopping mall in a third world country, in the back of your car, bumping uglies, and out comes some askari asking you to stop, and you get into a scuffle, and you get shot in the legs, and you sing about it….oh wait, this isn’t from the unexpected sex law. This is the suspected sex law. (Puts down the book)

ULK: Thanks you Dunstan. Very much appreciated. I’m sure our readers now know the law.

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