It’s the World Famous Urban Legend How-To Guide. 12 Steps to Success in Absolutely Anything. This week, how to get a Christmas bonus. Wickid! Spin that wheel.
1. Get a job. Bonuses are an extra bit of money that is given to salaried workers by their employers, so, duh, you can’t get one if you are unemployed. If you are a student, a vagrant, or Bebe Cool, you might want to write out a CV and send it around.
2. Work hard and be dedicated and committed and motivated. This will enable you to stand out as an employee who merits an extra reward to recognize the extraordinary effort you put into the job.
3. But just because you merit it don’t mean you’re going to get it. Because the corporate world sucks. Have you seen that TV show The Office? That’s exactly what it’s like in real offices. It sucks. You have to be manipulative and amoral and sociopathic and corrupt to succeed. In fact, forget The Office. Have you seen the battle scene of Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen? That’s what office life is like. A messy bloodsport.
4. I’m not done complaining. It’s cruel and bitter warfare and you don’t win by being fair and just and good. You need to learn how to suckerpunch mofos where it hurts.
5. In other words, sleep with the boss.
6. We should have warned you about this before we started. When you are hunting for a job, hunt for one that has a boss who is of the opposite gender. (Or, well, how can I put this, of the gender you prefer to copulate with.)
7. If you get a job here at ULK and are a fine chick with no morals, I’m the one you should talk to. Streets? You won’t wake up until January. Sleek’s wife will catch you and kill you if you look at her man with such plots. Erique has a long list and by the time you get to his bed it will be March. And Number Five, Ivan (5van) he’s about to get saved. So I’m the one you should talk to.
8. If you are not a fine chick, say by virtue of being a dude, get a job elsewhere. But you might not get the bonus unless you invoke International Labor Organisation statutes. But be careful. You are going to need to lawyer up because your boss will fight you every inch of the way. Bosses do not like giving Christmas bonuses to people who have not given them a warm post-coital grin to sheepishly have to explain to their spouses. Get a good lawyer.
10. I was going to insert a lawyer joke here, to the effect that lawyers are toxic scum and that before you get one you should wear a hazmat suit that secretes Jik but I am hoping to get some cheap legal advice from my lawyer friends and don’t want to aggravate them. Lawyers are beautiful and tall and have perfect complexions and admirable dignity.
11. Forget lawyers. Get a digital camera and access to the executive Gents.
12. You know where I’m going with this, don’t you? I don’t need to spell it out, do I? You snuck into the boss’s toilet cubicle with a digital camera. You are not only looking at a Christmas bonus, you can get yourself a January bonus, too. Shit. A February Bonus. You have bonuses until the day the guy gets his own photos of you sleeping in the loos. What. You thought I meant photos of what?