A Legendary Christmas Story

By • Dec 14th, 2010 • Category: Features

I’m going to attempt to write a Christmas story. I even bought a plastic Christmas tree from Shoprite to help push my cause. What’s the best story you’ve ever read? No, I don’t want to know. Just know this one is better.  It’s not like those silly Chulinsmans stories you’ve read about. This one is about Christmas. It even has snowflakes falling in the story. What do you mean you can’t see them? Are you calling me a liar?

Prologue:

What do our kids learn from someone who breaks and enters your house and when your wife catches him, his alibi is “I was delivering gifts whore whore whore”?

Plot:

It doesn’t matter where I stay. That’s not where the story is set. It’s set in Jerusalem. After a hard day’s work and failing to sell even one chair, Joseph has taken the frustration to a bar. He’s chilling with his homies Malluch, Elam, Zethan and Kasule sipping on Pepsis. Yeah, they existed. It is written. Don’t argue.

ULK 25:10 “And they were tired of being mocked by chics so they wanted to win Harriers from Motozela.”

We start filming in the middle of their jovial conversation.

Malluch: Hahahahahaaaaa that was funny, man. That was funny. Ah ah. By the way, I saw your chic at the well yesterday.

Joseph: Who, Mary?

Malluch: Yeah, who else? Have you finally hit that? Please tell me you’ve finally hit that I swear.

Joseph: Well…er…

Elam: Here it comes! Guys guys raise your glasses. A toast.

Joseph: We haven’t…

Malluch: Aaaaaah! Come on, dude!

Kasule: Me I think she even be’s cheating on’im when he’s not looking.

Zethan: Man! Your grammar! Where are you from?

Kasule: Flom Uganda. I told you dat also you.

Meanwhile…

  • …and you shall call him Jesus
  • But I’m in a relationship!
  • Yeah, we saw your Facebook page. What’s your point?…

Back at the bar…

Suddenly, the bar doors burst open and Rekem, the official town gossip, runs in panting. It is said that he knew about everything even as it happened.

Rekem: Guys, our Father who art in heaven! (For that’s how they said hello)

Malluch: Our Father who art in heaven, brother. What’s the 411?

Rekem: Mbu Mary is pregnant! Nti it’s God’s son.

Kasule: You’re lying!

Malluch: Wait, The Almighty is the boyfriend? She’s that hot?

Zethan: Guys, where’s Joseph?

***

***

Nine months later, as three shepherds graze their sheep, an angel does a Houdini on them:

Houdini

  • Awesome! How did you do that?
  • For I am an angel sent to tell you this. For you shall follow that star till you get to Jesus. For you shall find Him in a manger. For any questions?
  • Er, sir?
  • For you shall not refer to me as sir. For what?
  • Why do you start all your sentences with ‘for’?
  • For sentences sound holier that way. For any more questions?
  • Yeah. All three of us shall carry expensive gifts for the baby, right guys? So why does that poor douche drummer boy get more famous than us?

Houdini

  • Seriously, how does he do that?

The entrance to the stable…

  • Our Father who art in heaven, Joseph.
  • Are you mocking me?
  • Er…no. We’ve come to see the baby.
  • Yeah, he’s in there. Leave me alone.

Inside…

  • Wow! He looks just like The Father.

Outside…

  • Seriously! Will you people just shut up!

And that’s how they write Christmas stories. Merry Christmas, Urbanites.

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