You were not at the MTV Africa Music awards? What was that? You have an 8 to 5? Or was it that you have exams. Oh well, you missed. But we got your back. We were there. Top journalism they call it. The awards were last weekend, in Nigeria. Eve was the host. Yes yes, E.V.E, gangster rapper, cool chic with those tiger paw tattoos where every funky girl should consider getting. So she back-flipped onto stage… (One, two, three back-flips) and while we were still catching our breaths, she flipped mid-air and when she hit the ground, she did a one-eighty. We collectively gaped. Without missing a beat (for there were beats playing), she got up and did that crotch-grabbing thing Michael (R.I.P) made so famous. By this time we had recovered so we took a pic.
No, she didn’t make the globally-recognized ‘eeiihii’ sound that follows crotch-grabbing. Rather, she launched into a mini-rap. ‘Whatcha niggers want? What what..whatcha niggers want?….(brrrbbaakhbkjnaajnka)…’ She was too fast for my typing. Of course niggers answered her; they told her what they wanted. By press time, we were not sure if she had given them what they’d asked for.
Rick Ross had the first performance of the night. No worries, the stage had been re-enforced to contain his heavy (ahem) rhymes. I had another word in mind but rhymes will do. For now. The hip-hop heavyweight went on to set the stage for performances better than his. Electrifying performances. Notably, if you thought Coco Finger and Weasel were low on creative juices when choosing stage names, Daddy Owen, a hot Gospel artiste from Kenya, may make you think again. Name issues notwithstanding, Daddy went on to win an award. Tata Baby and Mama Naka were all there, rooting for Daddy Owen.
No review of such things is worth its salt without reference to the people who bagged the most awards. In this case, Fally Ipupa, a Congolese sensation had 2 awards. 2Face also had 2 awards. So it was a tie. 2Face’s performance was quite something. He came on with his double. You didn’t know he had a double? Douche…why else do you think he is called 2Face? Co-incidence? Or do you think Fally Ipupa (F’er all yi Pupas) was a mistake too? Double-douche. See 2Face and his double.
On the left is the singer we know, on the right is his more G’d up double. Gyangster. What what. Ernest was so close to the stage he could see the lice in Rick Ross’s hairs.
Thank you comrade. I was indeed so close that I could see the lice in Rick Ross’ lice’s hairs. The reason I was so close is I am a hater and the only reason I was in Naija in the first place was to spill this acid on that ki-Captain Haddock-looking mofo.
Also wanted to see if I could give Eve what us niggas want. I will report on that when the law is clear on what constitutes obscenity.
One of the most important things we, the press, can do at international awards ceremonies such as the presitigious MAMA Awards are:
- To spell the word prestigious without getting the red squiggly lines.
- To maximise the use of free refreshments– cocktails and baby sausages.
- To talk about the winners and losers.
Best Anglophone went to Daddy Owen (Real name Kariuki. Most Kenyans are called Kariuki, so what are the chances that I’m wrong?)
Fastest Retraction and Apology In A Website MAMA Report went to me. (Sorry Kenyans. I know you didn’t find that funny)
Streetsider here wassup.
First of all I didn’t go for the MAMAs. I was drinking… … Milk. Did I have milk today you ask? I might have. Vitamins oyee. So here I am, all milked up, and Erinesto sez, “Gwe!! Fucknut!! MAMAs, go!”
WTF! Dude! i need more milk.
Let us be clear… I am not going to talk about no murfer-thucking MAMAs, I shall talk about … let’s see…
I shall talk about things that make go …MAMAAAAA!!!
1. One of them is of course… Sasha.
2. The next is Busta’s lips. Inspiration for countless blackboard caricatures.
3. Then we have milk, not the one which comes out of teats. Also not to be confused with tits. Tits also make me go MAMAAA!!
4. Depending of course, on the tit in question. Some look like tar in a sock. I saw this pair in nansana. The chick had a belt under her armpits to keep them down and stop them from getting all knotted up when she walked.
5. UrbanlegendKampala. Too bad just. Would go down and kiss my own boots but that would require me to assume an un-seeming and indecent posture. And I am… pause… not a homo.
6. The receptionist in the office. Face like a battle-axe. Till she smiles and the dimples make you go MAMAAA.
7. Carey Mulligan. She even makes me want to add MIA after that MA-MAA- MA- MA- MURFER THUCKER (see how she makes me stutter?)
8. Carey Mulligan’s dimples. Mama Mia to the power MAMA!!
9. Peter Sematimba’s election poster. Makes me want to cross myself.
10. Smiley faces. No those make me want to use bad language.