Today’s massacres are brought to you by:
Word got round that The Fox Network had ditched 24, that once superhot series with Jack Bauer shooting everything in sight. Urbane Entertainment staff threw a fit. Noooo!!! (Flailing arms, throwing seats around, breaking glasses). When calm was restored (by bringing in Shakira to belly-dance for the angry members of staff and promising them that if they behaved, Grace Nakimera would come too), the staff was allowed to breathe new life into the series. Presenting, 12, an all-new series from Urbane Entertainment.
(Deep guttural, almost scary voice)
The following takes place between 04:00am and 05:00am
The following takes place between 05:00am and 06:00am
(…squeaks…more squeak…slight moans…very slight)
The following takes place between 06:00am and 07:00am
Jacque Baller wakes up with a start. He looks at the clock. Oh crap! I’m late for work at that top secret government agency that I work for. Oh crap I may get fired. Literally. With a bullet. He makes a dash to the shower, sprinkles some water on the vital places and he’s out in a flash.
Sidenote: People who work for top secret government agencies have no time to shower. Time fighting bad guys cannot be wasted in the shower. They only sprinkle water on the vital parts. Of course this is not shown in movies, but Urbane Entertainment is very very investigative. Hi5 to top journalism!
Jacque Baller is on the move, diving in and out of traffic, dodging potholes, hooting at taxi drivers, making funny faces at old-women-driving-annoyingly-slowly, knocking boda boda riders…must get to work, must get to work. Finally, his workplace is in sight. He pulls up the driveway.
(Clock ticking, counting down) 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
The following takes place between 07:00am and 08:00am
Jacque enters office. It’s silent. Something must be wrong. He instinctively reaches for his gun, which is usually at his hip. It’s not there. It is not there. It is not there. (Suspense…even more suspense…slow motion suspense)
(A man’s voice booms out of the loudspeakers….he has a strong Arabic accent)
Your gun is with us. And so is the rest of your team. You are surrounded. You have no hope. Superman is not in this series. He is in Smallville. Kneel down now and say “Jacque Baller is a sucky hero” and we’ll set you free.
Jacque refuses. A downpour of bullets blurs our vision for 5 minutes. 6 minutes actually.
When the air clears, we see Jacque Baller, or what’s left of him, there on the ground.