Run This Town Toni–this Morning.

By • Dec 5th, 2010 • Category: WTH
The MTN Marathon is an annual event where people donate 10,000 shillings to charity and in exchange are permitted by scowling policemen to litter the streets with mineral water bottles while taking a 10 kilometer stroll round town.
There is some running involved but let’s not overkid ourselves here. Most of it is just people giving up and walking.

After the race. This road stank of carbon. (Disregard the red billboards)

What are the motives of the teeming hordes of runners who every year turn out to participate in this “marathon”? What drives them to wake up and go to Kololo and face aforementioned scowling policemen, who really scowl. This one guy looked at me as if, though he was only saying, “You cannot pass here. This road is blocked” what he really wanted to say was “Die a slow and agonizing death right here in front of my beady eyes you! I barely know you, yet I hate you. I wish this regime was even more dictatorial so I could just go on rampages and shoot mofos, you included, all day all night! Sonofa- Mssscwhbeyoch.”
What drives the runners? (Sorry. The “runners”)? We could be like proper journalists and ask some of the men and women decked in yellow who I find returning from the race, but that won’t be fun. They will give me bullshit answers like, “The challenge. It’s the challenge.”
So I decided to stand here, look at people and assume things about them.
(Legal disclaimer. I am also assuming their names basing on what they look like.)
  • Freda, 23, a student of Pharmacy at St Lawrence University says: “It is the social prestige. I gain social capital from my easily-impressed peers and other non-discerning people when being associated with an event that is heavily advertised in the media. Yay me!”
  • Ssonko, 32, a muyaaye, says:  “For the bottle and the vest and the cap. I will sell them to a St Lawrence student who wants people to think she ran. Also to pick people’s wallets. I am from Kamwokya.”
  • Wilberforce, 52, a sugar daddy, says: “To impress chicks.”
  • Carol, 29, pursuing a post-graduate Law degree, says:  “I was at Kololo and I wanted to go somewhere around 10km away and back and I was in a hurry.”
  • And finally, Jude, of indiscriminate age, says he ran because bodas were not allowed.
Now, for a full report from the actual frontlines, it is my understanding that Sleek was among the competitors. Until he shows up with a report to that effect, let me leave you with a picture of the winner.

The Winner of the MTN Marathon 2010, Priscilla. What. Everyone’s a winner.

Thanks Ernest. Now this is Sleek reporting pseudo live from the finish line. I came in way after Priscilla. Only because I was writing while trotting. It was really taxing. I run alongside Moses Kibet, the man who went on to win the 10Km race. I took the time to ask him a few questions (because I knew that he’d be thronged by reporters at the finish line)
ULK: So, (trot trot) Moses, how are you (trot) finding the race?

Moses: (heavy breathing)…(silence)…(heavy breathing).  IN HIS HEAD ( whatTheHell?wth! Dude, I’m working. Do I walk into your swanky ULK offices and start typing on your keyboards? DO I INTERRUPT YOUR WORK?? Do I chase away those belly-dancers you use to build team spirit? Do I? No..because I DO NOT INTERRUPT OTHER PEOPLE’S WORK!)

ULK: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

(At this point Moses increased his pace. And he went on to win the race. We spurred him to victory. Self hi5!!)

Now this I have to highlight here. Because I’m sure no other media house caught this. This is really out there. But true. During the marathon, near Kiira road police station (along that stretch), a woman crapped on herself.  She stopped briefly, pulled down the back of her tights(left the front up) and kept running. Spewing filth. Running. Weed? Drugs? Alcohol? Watching America has got talent? The cause is still uncertain. My nasal weaknesses didn’t allow me to get close enough to do some reporting. Sometimes people out there make writing shit so easy.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people