How To Drive Your Effing Heifer Of A Roommate Away

By • Dec 3rd, 2010 • Category: WTH

By Awesome Student Legend…

Lady Sinister

Because this life-form has gone through five roommates in three years, she knows what she’s going on about. She also vaguely suspects that she might be the *fucking heifer* in this show, on account of her ex-roommates always finding the roommates of their lives right after she drives them away.

This is potentially unisexual advice. Improvise where necessary.

10. Use up all of their Teatree oil hair spray.

9. Smoke up that joint, make them wheeze like they’re pulling one of ‘em coital-asphyxiation stunts.

8. Refer to all their shit as shit (okay I think this bitch was just too sensitive).

7. Scream whenever you see them and gradually get anorexic as a direct result of their terrifying width, girth and stupid eating habits. Guffaw wildly when they indignantly tell you of how some guy in church asked them if they’d like a seat on account of how pregnant they look.

6. Be massively anal retentive when it looks like their eyesore of a lover/close friend/parent is   thinking of spending the night. Say NO. Glare thunderously.

5. Get up and flip the switch when you’re jolted awake by noisy and aesthetically unpleasant fucking that is taking place a few feet from where you’re bedded. Dredge up the most surprised look that your face will ever generate in your life and wear it with flair. Laugh and point.

4. Burst into incredible fits of rage at nothing in particular. Announce to them in booming tones that they are to flee hence, be not here, but somewhere in a vast elsewhere to which you have no access. Quote Stephen fry at his most decadent at them. Heh heh.

3. Dangle your shit from their hangers. Fold all their ironed clothes and dangle things like sleeping socks, old bras, grey panties, etcetera from their hangers. This is even more annoying if your roommate’s hangers are labeled.

2. Use their deodorant spray as air freshener, wardrobe freshener, insect killer and lighter fluid.

1. Let them catch one of your friends using their toothbrush as an eyebrow-shaper.

If you don’t find yourself in an unpaid for single room at least one month to the end of semester, your roommate is the devil and he or she is plotting terrible revenge. Run.

P.S: Learn how to pack a proper punch in case of aggression on their part. You never know when the mad bitch will go loco on your ass.

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