Training For The Marathon

By • Nov 30th, 2010 • Category: Features

Urban Legend Kampala is deep in preparations and training. We are going for the MTN marathon. And by going for it I don’t mean we are all going to run. I for one am just going to watch people and probably make bets as to who is going to collapse and die.  Rumour has it Sleek knows how to run, but lately I don’t trust him as much as I used to. Long story involving dried lettuce and a blunt.

These preparations include: Sleeping so as to be able to wake up before ten on a weekend. Nanti the Marathon is on Sunday. I was hoping that even though it starts early in the morning, the people would run really slowly so I would catch them mid-way at around four PM and then do my journalism then, but I’m not going to be that lucky, apparently. Have to wake up early.

Other preparations include consulting a lawyer. Eddie Nsubuga or Francis Bamanya or Michael Musoke or whatever — one of the MTN marketing and publicity team anyway. (Oba he is Isaac Nsereko?)— was reported as having said to the papers that nti “flukers” will be “arrested”.

Whoah. Excuse me while I piss my pants in fear.

Let’s subject this to intellectual analysis.  How is this going to work?  If you didn’t register for the marathon, but you just happen to be on that route and you decide to take your regular, non-corporate-behemoth-affiliated Sunday jog down the same road and, say, to make things worse, you are wearing a T-Shirt that says, “Mobile Phones R Gay” and you are just jogging along, taking care of your health, then Eddie Nsubuga sees you. Does the police arrest you? Do you have a case to answer? Where is it written in the penal code?

What if you are not even running? You were just sitting on the curb reading a Nietzche paperback while the people run by and then you spot Abid, and Abid owes you  money and you know you’ve got him this time, so you get up and sprint after him. Is this within the bounds of the law? These are things we would like to have clarified.

Cos if I see any cops coming at me, NTV will be interviewing survivors. Me I don’t play.

We would also need to sort ourselves out in terms of refreshments. Marathon runners know how important it is to always have energy drinks and water nearby. Marathon runners-watchers would also like to find out what the stipulations are insofar as Guinness.

Further preparations include contemplation of being at the back kabisa while everybody is running; as in being right behind the pack swinging a stick and yelling, “Yeah! Get out of here! All of you! Before I lose my temper!”  It would make a killer video and make me a youtube star.

Heh heh. Mbu Red Pepper journalists went to register for the marathon naked. Heh.

And finally, we shall have to hire a truck. We might be able to put to rest the puzzle that has been perplexing scientists for years. With the aid of one of those loud lorries that prowl the suburbs playing country music or kidandali while advertising album launches or political campaigns we will be able to find out for sure if you play the Benny Hill tune, do people run faster?

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  • Pinkauto

    Always an interesting read. This totaly cracked me up!