Monday Massacres: Cinema At Its Best

By • Nov 29th, 2010 • Category: Monday Massacres

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UrbaneEntertainment. You may have noticed that this post came in slightly off schedule. Traffic jam. Those things.


You like movies? You like? Yes? No need to raise your hand and act all excited. Stay calm. Sit down. Ah good. So you like movies eh? Then you came to the right place. The Urban Cinema. We have awesome stuff here. Great great movies. Here’s the script to something we are about to premier. It’s a horror so steel your heart. Get your popcorn, minimize that Facebook window, tell Masitula you’ll call her back.

(Credits rolling)

Produced by: Competent producers

Starring: Ecta, Main

Co-starring: Mirage, Nikki

Also starring: Jose (pronounced ‘Hose’)

(More credits)


(More credits)

(Deserted house comes into focus. Camera zooms in on the veranda. Nothing there. Camera zooms out. Silence)

(We hear distant laughter. Camera turns and shows us 3 very attractive young ladies with pigtails, and short skirts. They are coming from school. They are giggling. And hi-fiving each other. We do not know what they are talking about. They slow down as they approach the house)

Very attractive girl one: Even after all these years, that house still spooks me out.

More attractive girl than the other one: I shudder in strange places whenever I pass here.

(The rest give her odd looks)

Hottest girl (Because hottest girls talk last, and don’t say much): Ya  

(Camera zooms out and lets the girls’ chatter fade into the background. It zooms in, for 3 seconds, on the girl’s behinds. Camera then turns its focus to a grey sedan slowly pulling into the driveway of the house)

(Car stops just in front of the house.)

Ecta slowly emerges from the car. He is tall, and scrawny. He looks like he needs a meal. He reaches into the backseat, picks up something and starts munching away. Nikki Mirage also emerges from the car, one butt-cheek at a time. She slept the whole journey.


Mirage: Oh Ecta, we finally move into the creepy house everyone warned us about. I love you googoo

Ecta: (munch…munch) I love…(munch munch) this snack.

Mirage: (Hitting Ecta on the arm) You goob. That’s not what you are supposed to say

(har har har)

Ecta: I mean, I love (munch…munch) you too.

(Film Writer: That ‘har har har’ is from an innocent bystander. Drake really wanted to be in this movie so we gave him that part)

(Diminutive man slowly limps towards the couple)

Jose (For that is his name. Pronounced ‘Hose’): Hey there young dumb couple. I’m Jose. I tend the gardens here. I know they look like (word removed: ED) but my back has been a mess lately. Ever since that day, 2 years ago when…

(Jose struggles to hold back tears…)

Ecta: Dude, I’m trying to eat here. Take your sob story to Oprah

Mirage: (Gives Ecta a condescending look. For our Spanish readers, ‘condescending’ means bad. Very bad). Ecta, why do you have to be such an ass? Go on Jose, tell us what happened.

Jose: (sniff…sniff) It was one day 2 years ago, there I was tending the gardens, when suddenly darkness fell over the part of the garden I was in. Just the small patch around me. I felt my skin crawling. I broke out in sweat. My hairs stood on end. Chills went up and down and up and down my spine. My teeth chattered. My knees went weak. My epiglottis started to prattle. My…

Ecta: Oohh ok, we get the picture. Get the (word removed:ED) on with your story

(Condescending look from Mirage. We won’t translate ‘condescending’ ese)

Jose: So I didn’t know what to do…I was…

Ecta: It didn’t cross your mind to run? Bozo

Jose: (ignoring Ecta) so I turn around and start to…

Ecta: You start to what? Ese, you start to what?

Jose: (very very ticked off…) If you interrupt me one more time I swear I’ll cut your balls off…(holding up gardening tool  that oddly looks like it was built for the task)

(Camera zooms in on the  tool. Then it zooms in on Ecta’s groin area. Then very quickly, it turns to some bougainvillea flowers.)


Unfortunately, that’s all we are permitted to share here. For now. Watch out for the movie. Coming to that guy who pirates movies very soon.

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