A few days ago, we at Urban Legend Headquarters hired Kampala’s most covert, most unknown and most not talked, whispered or sung about spying and surveillance agency, Dastard and Dastardly Inc, to provide intel on a certain personage. Our mission was to figure out if he was a worthy candidate to front when the next mayoral elections come round. And also to make sure that he doesn’t have tapeworm.
The reports came back this morning. I must say the guys at Dastard and Dastardly don’t joke around. These guys are the real deal. It’s no wonder that no nobody reading this had heard of them before. Have you heard of them? Hmmm? Hmmm? Put your hand up.
This is what the note that the report came with said;-
“Your report is enclosed. It was handwritten in human blood on the finest parchment. The parchment was then calcified and broken up into exactly 100 pieces to create a jigsaw puzzle. If this puzzle is not put together within 15 minutes, the genitals of everyone in the room will implode. We have locked the puzzle in a riddle, wrapped that in a mystery and hidden the result inside an enigma. As everyone knows, the Enigma series of titanium briefcases are the best in the business and can only be unlocked by the sound of a 34 year old virgin doing a goatly neigh. Good Reading.”
Respectfully yours, Dennis Dastardly.
But the intrepid souls at Urban Legend Headquarters were not to be daunted. In no time, Streetsider had appeared with a goat. He and Harriet (the goat) are old friends. The nature of their relationship is not to be divulged to every Tom, Dick and… Sam.
Sleek (who is old and randy and therefore speaks goat) convinced it with sweet nothings and sly rump slaps (Sleek there will be words between you and I).
Eric took the goatly neighs to his underground lab and using state of the art thing things, inserted old man virginness into the neigh. We don’t know what he did, so we leave him alone.
From there, well, from there it was downhill as the Mukiga man’s turd concluded its existential essay, “Life and So Forth”.
So these are the findings from Dastard and Dastardly, this friends and voters is how Bizibu Baz a.k.a The Godfather a.k.a. Ernest of Kyaliwa spends an average day.
Snorting coffee powder through rolled 50k notes 45%
Hand copying lyrics into the notebook he keep under his pillow 15%
Beating up reckless pedestrians, school children, and livestock 0%
Beating up anything 0%
Communing with aliens 15%
Communing with his navel- not enough time
Being awesome. 100%
Happy Birthday dude.