A hunt for the world’s biggest behind conclusively ended in Uganda last Thursday in the small village of Nyamwirima Bushenyi. The different experts that made up the hunting team have all viewed the soon to be famous set of buttocks with varying degrees of disbelief.
The owner, the aptly named Mrs. Matama Evangeline was bewildered by all this attention. Apart from helping her get a husband and serving as a fall back stool while out farming (Mrs Matama is the only person known to science who can sit while standing), her ass had never been of any use to her. It had so far only served to block people’s vision and to knock over furniture.
“And children, and old women and goats and God knows what else. Am I going to be able to make money out of this woman?” asked Mr Matama.
The sight of the behind (visible it is reported, from anywhere in the sub country) so severely affected the experts that they abandoned all personal disagreements and trooped down to a local kafunda. By the time our reporter reached the scene most of the experts on the team were already drunk.
“It’s simply too much” wailed one fashion expert. “When I think of the amount of fabric required to cover that bumstrosity, I get goose bumps!” he added, showing us an arm covered in goose bumps the size of peas.
“That is not an ass. That is a geographical feature”, said Mr. Peter McCallister a world renowned biologist with the Guinness Book of Records. “This country is an aberration. Any country that can produce such behinds needs special United Nations recognition.”
Needless to say, the Bushenyi Local Council is proud to be the home of the most abnormally sized buttocks in the world. However their efforts to record it for posterity by commissioning a sculptor to set up a life sized sculpture of Mrs. Matama came to brief standstill when all the shops in the town run out of cement.
Believe it, we saw it; it was a huge-ass piece of OMG.