We have with us this evening a very special woman. There may not be any certifications or verifiable records of the fact, but one look at this remarkable woman will leave you in no doubt that her claims may very well be true. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for our interview, Night Reste Nalikombokonayebambi, the Most Bleached Woman In Uganda.
Q: Welcome to Urban Legend, Night.
A: It is okay.
Q: We are glad we could have you with us to talk about your history of skin treatment.
A: Yes. Breanching has been a passion of mine for long ago long ago.
Q: We are outdoors and the sun is blazing today. I actually almost didn’t see you.
A: It is because I am so rightskin, dat’s why. Da chemicros? Dey can even manke you transrucent!
Q: Let’s get right to it. Let’s start at the beginning. Reste, how did it all start?
Wello, I was born in Kiboga Districk in 1964 to a brack man and a brack woman and subsequentry I was born as a brack baby..
Q: 1964? That makes you…
A: Am twenty free years old.
Q: If you say so. Now, how did being a child with a dark complexion affect you growing up in rural Africa?
A: At first it was not a probrem. All my ritro friends de were osso brack. But it was onry when dey blought a terevision of Liviera and when it was in colour tv!
A: And we rearised dat all da people dey were white! Dat all de beautifur, gramarous, faburous people are supposed to be white. Dat’s when I decided dat I must become white.
I received a reveration. My eyes were opened! I was enrightened!
Q: Heh. Englightened. So when did you come to this decision?
A: In 1984.
Q: And you said you are how old?
A: I told you am Twenty free. Don’t stick on dat point unress you want to interview empty space. Me I have here bodaboda fare. I don’t have to be here.
Q: Twenty four? Wow! You look much younger. You look like Miley Cyrus!
A: Sanchu. I know.
Q: (When she was at a Halloween party disguised as a white Bidandi Ssali) So what procedures did you use to become, um, what you are now. It’s hard to describe that shade of grayish-red?
A: We started by apprying dat controversial chemicro…
A: Twice a day…
A: The lesults were excerent. In two weeks I was the colour of a pig. But when I decided to increase the pace so I soaked my crothez in jik and wear dem so dat my skin was constantry being attacked by da breanch.
Q: Didn’t it hurt?
A: I was burning my freaking skin off! Of course it hurt. Duh.
Q: So now your body is the colour of toilet paper, you smell of sunscreen and no man is perverse enough to fuck you. How do you feel? Do you think it’s worth it?
A: Very grand. Very furfirred. You can see from my demeanour dat I truly believe I am beautifur?
Q: Well you certainly leave an impression…
A: You see? You are impressed.
Q: That’s not what I said.
A: It’s what I heard.
Q: What happens if science finds a cure for your mental condition? How will you get a normal skin back?
A: Well, the human body is capable of fully regenerating its entire skin in ten years. I’m only twenty free, so there’s plenty of time.
And that was Night Reste, the most bleached woman in Uganda, on the line from whatever dreamworld she inhabits. Thanks for tuning in. Over to Erique, with the latest news.