Who said there was no such thing as an online pregancy test? There wasn’t when they said it. But there is now.
Answer these questions TRUTHFULLY. You can hide if you want, or you can answer anonymously.
- Have you recently had unprotected sex with a fertile gentleman?
b) No. He was useless.
c. Don’t know.
2. Is there a zygote embedded in your fallopian tubes?
c) Don’t know
3. Have you gone somewhere private to check your fallopian tubes?
c) Don’t know what fallopian tubes are. Is that something you eat?
4. Are you experiencing morning sickness (nausea and vomiting in the mornings)?
c) I drink heavily every night, so I always have nausea and vomiting in the mornings.
5. Are you a dude?
c) Not sure. Do Taxi drivers count as dudes?
6. No, taxi drivers are not dudes. They are chimpanzees.
a) Yes they are
b) No, they are orangutans
c) Don’t know which of the two, but definitely some sort of lower primate
7. Is your belly very large?
a) Yes, I am fat.
b) No, but I only had the unprotected sex with the fertile gentleman two nights ago.
c) Don’t know. I can’t see anything below my very large breasts
8. If you do happen to be pregnant, will you be a good parent?
b) No. I’ll whip the kid with an extension chord just for freaking breathing in my direction
c) How should I know? I never even see the kids I already have. They call the police every time I try to go near them.
9. Do you know where the nearest pharmacy is located?
a) Yes. Wait. You are going to tell me to go and get a home pregnancy kit, aren’t you?
b) No. I get my drugs from the boda like everyone else.
c) Don’t know. I get my drugs from the person above.
10. Get a home pregnancy test and pee on it. Is it positive?
a) Stupid! Now I took this long test for what?
c) Don’t know. Instead of peeing on the test, I went and had unprotected sex with the pharmacist.
Congratulations! You are pregnant!