The PAMAs were held this weekend. I know. I’m as surprised as you are. Yeah, I also thought that guys had chilled those things, but hey, Kazoora needs to earn a living somehow. The boy had kids to feed. So you see, something positive did come out of the whole spectacle. Little JK and his sis can now drink milk in their porridge.
The PAMA stands for Pearl of Africa Music Awards, not, as the jingle which is sung in a stupid fake accent will have you think, “Pal of Afreaker More Suck A Worst”. They tell us it is designed to recognize and award excellence in musical entertainment. Hah hah. Jox. It is designed to sell tickets and make Isaac “Iceman” Mulindwa as rich as Birdman.
By the way, has anyone in Uganda ever even seen a pearl?
Let’s look at some of the standout events of the show. As journalists we shall have an objective, impartial and unbiased analysis. So objective and so unbiased and so impartial that I wasn’t even there. I just saw it on TV.
- JKazoora was one of the MCs. This is why it is such a great thing to watch these shows on TV. TVs have mute buttons.
- He was assisted by a gigantic pawpaw.
- Judith Babirye, a gospel singer who had previously sworn never to ever be seen on the “unsanctified” stage of the PAM Awards because Coco Finger has made it unclean, got over herself.
- I think that was Iryn Namubiru, but I didn’t recognize her in a dress that wasn’t short.
- Aziz Azion is an R&B singer.
- The founder and owner and head of the PAMAs is either Isaac Mulindwa or Steve Urkel.
- Bebe Cool, a singer, was named Artiste of The Year. He got shot in February like Biggie Smalls. We have no idea where the remains of the person who shot him are.
- Rachel K. No, I’m just saying her name. It’s funny to mention her when people are talking about music.
- Oh. Interesting Trivia note. Straka’s real name is Pam. In full Pamela RidiculouslyClownishChick Otii.
- KK did not win a PAM Award because he is not an artiste, he is a radio presenter. But he says he has a (here he does a gesture with his hand) “palm award.”
- It’s safer to attend the PAMAs in other regions. Not Buganda. In Buganda, “I was at the PAMAs” translates to “nabadde ku PAMAs” which translates to “I was shitting”. “In plural”. That should tell you something.